Sluttery Sales Spy: Zara, French Connection & Topshop

The sun has got his hat on*, and he got it half-price in the sale. 

* Hat-wearing suns subject to availability. See weather forecast for full terms and conditions. 

THE DRESSES

Louche Julita dress, £29 (was £59), Joy

Joy's Julita dress is such a lovely shape, and it's made even lovelier by the fact it's covered in a "conversational William Morris-style print". So let's have a conversation about the William Morris-style print, shall we? It is SO NICE, until you realise that it appears to be showing us a glimpse into our Orwellian future, where cats the size of houses preside over the countryside. Round the back, there's a pig on two legs, and a stramash about a windmill.

Let's have a closer look, so we can be prepared:

Some animals are more equal than others, I guess. SOMEBODY FETCH THE DREAMIES QUICKLY. 

Shimmer Shower dress, £75 (was £250), French Connection

French Connection is in the midst of a tremendous sale. No fannying about, just ruthless slashing of prices left, right and centre. It's a money massacre. This Shimmer Shower dress has made the cut, and it's down from an unachievable £250 to a doable-on-a-good-day £75. You'll be like a walking meteor shower, but hopefully without having to field constant questions about whether or not you killed the dinosaurs. SO TEDIOUS.

THE SHOES

Margate shoes, £18 (was £32), Topshop

I hear overgrown toddler chic is very in this season. WHO AM I KIDDING: it's always in. Toddlers are COOL. These Margate shoes from Topshop are suitably garish, cutesy, and resplendent with straps and buckles. I LOVE THEM. Give the stonewash rolled-up jeans a miss, though - toddlers do not approve of that shit.

Gold slingback sandals, £15.99 (was £25.99), Zara

I'm making it my mission to get a scalloped edge into every Sales Spy. This week's scallop action comes courtesy of these gold slingbacks from Zara. Now, you might say this is more of a wave, a squiggle - an undulation, even. But I consulted an Independent Scallop Adjudicator, who just happened to be a scallop himself, and he said: DEFINITELY SCALLOP. I use the past tense here because I ate him straight afterwards.

THE BAGS

Louche Cressida bag, £19 (was £39), Joy

The Cressida bag from Joy is "styled like a vintage camera bag", and WAIT FOR THIS GUYS... I might buy it and use it as a camera bag. It's not padded, and it doesn't have all those fancy dividers inside, but it's got to be better than the large sock I am currently using to house my camera. You don't see David Bailey whipping lenses out of a sock, do you? I mean, you don't seem him whipping them out of a Joy handbag, either, but whatever.

Satchel, £20 (was £36), Topshop

The official name of this satchel is Large Clean Satchel. I'm imagining the Topshop bag naming meeting: it's been a long day, the coffee's running out and everyone just wants to go home, put on their pyjamas the moment they walk in the door, and eat Lotus spread out of the jar (such a coincidence that they all want to do that very same thing, but I guess it must be a pre-requisite of the job or something). Anyway, having spent the day coming up with a constant stream of retail gold ("This one reminds me of Scotland, and that girl from the Fantastic Four!"... "Totally getting Irish hill vibes from this one!"), they are now at a loss as to what to call their last beautiful bag. "Well", says the work experience girl, "it's, um, large?". "BRILLIANT!", says Ian, Head of Bag Naming. "Think of one more word to describe it, and we can all go home!". "Uh... it's... well... it's CLEAN!". *cheers* *back-slapping* *instant offer of permanent employment for genius work experience girl*

THE STATIONERY

Bourney scissors, £9.95 (was £18), Anthropologie

Question: why don't I already own scissors that look like an elephant? Answer: because they used to be £18. Now they're in the Anthropologie sale, and I'm going to fill this huge hole in my stationery arsenal immediately. There's also a stapler that looks like a... what? It's orange and stripy, so I'm going for tiger, but I'm unsure.

Shit Just Got Real notebook, £4 (was £6), Urban Outfitters

Shit just got real, kids. Shit just got really fucking real. 

How are you all, and what have you been buying this week?

Sluttery Sales Spy: H&M, Habitat & Oasis

Sales, sales, sales! Clothes, clothes, clothes! Um... Gills, gills, gills. Yes. Gills, gills, gills. 

THE DRESSES

Cut-out dress, £33 (was £65), & Other Stories

ALERT! ALERT! & Other Stories has a sale on, and it does THE BEST sales. This dress, shade "orange reddish", is pretty damn, um, pretty. Those are cut-outs you see, but they are very discreet and sophis, more like gills really. Ever met an indiscreet, unsophisticated aquatic organism? EXACTLY. Just don't try to breathe out of the cut-outs, especially if you happen to be underwater. Please wear gill dresses responsibly.

Tropical bird dress, £18 (was £45), Oasis

Long sleeves and burgundy might not be screaming SUMMER to you, but those are tropical birds, so THERE. In any case, there's this thing in your bedroom called a wardrobe, where you can stash clothes, wads of money, sweets, even illusionists and pallet entrepreneurs, if that kind of thing is your bag. So buy it now, and have a lovely new dress waiting for you when the weather is cooler (it is absolutely pissing down as I write this, so whatever). 

THE SHOES

Sunkissed heels, £30 (was £40), ASOS

It's like ASOS took the sun and made it into a shoe! Let's hope they didn't, otherwise we've only got about eight and a half minutes of sunshine left in which to wear them, before we're plunged into never-ending darkness and putting our sandals away in preparation for lows of -250°C. 

Leave It To Me flats, £24 (was £32), ASOS

Here's a thing: traffic lights break down in my presence with unusual frequency. Maybe I'm magnetic or something. Each time, the scenario plays out something like this:

1. All the cars, in every direction, come to a halt.

2. At least four minutes pass.

3. Someone at the very back beeps half-heartedly, just in case any of us is yet to notice that we're stationary.

4. A cyclist just fucks off onto the pavement, because she can.

5. Someone flashes their lights at the traffic lights in an attempt to reactivate the sensor.

6. All the cars at the front decide to move off at exactly the same moment.

7. A flurry of very British hand gestures, waving, nodding, and laughing happens. Everyone stops.

8. Everyone moves off at the same time again. Everyone stops.

9. Rapid-onset exasperation occurs. Someone shouts a swear from their rolled-down window, which helps.

10. The man at the back beeps again. He's probably French/having a stroke.

11. A pedestrian gets involved, with an overly-theatrical bowing gesture and some useless pointing.

12. Somehow we manage to move without dying, just as the traffic police arrive to sort it out.

Next time, though, I will be prepared! Next time, I'll be wearing these Leave It To Me shoes. I'll be out of that car quicker than you can say "annoying driver taking control of the situation using a Can-Can kick action". "Leave it to me", I'll shout, before guiding the traffic to safety with my feet. ASOS truly does design a shoe for every occasion. 

THE BAGS

Leather shoulder bag, £33 (was £65), & Other Stories

Here's & Other Stories again, this time doing its bit to dispel the myth that black and navy shouldn't be worn together. The proof's in this gorgeous leather shoulder bag (it's not actually inside, more sort of all over it), and the whole thing is making me feel pretty positive about all those dark winter mornings when I end up wearing an all-black ensemble with accidental navy tights. Just gonna say it's FASHION from now on.

Scallop-edged bag, £15 (was £20), ASOS

So this scallop-edged satchel is really nice yada yada yada but we need to get on to the real talking point here: this girl's amazing eyes. SO PALE. They've certainly done their job, because now I want the bag.

THE HOMEWARES

Okko alarm clock, £15 (was £30), Habitat

The Okko alarm clock from Habitat is a thing of wonder and delight, and its chirping is a wondrously delightful sound to wake up to every day, if feeling like you're in a Michael Bay remake of The Birds - where all the birds are in fact mutant transformer birds - is your idea of wondrously delightful. Clearly it's mine, as this little fellow (in white) gets me up chaque matin without fail (there was no need for the French there; I just thought perhaps Michael Bay might include a French mutant transformer bird in the film. For variety, or traffic jam beeping). If you'd like to hear what the birdsong alarm sounds like (it's actually nice!), this guy has made a video of his clock in action. I hope he remembered to unset the alarm for 15.13.

Happily Ever After cushion cover, £4 (was £6.99), H&M

Um, this cushion cover from H&M is only £4. FOUR POUNDS. At that price, it doesn't matter whether you and it live happily ever after. You can get a divorce! Take it for all its worth! Turn it into a dish cloth! Also at H&M, this kangaroo storage jar caught my eye. As did this curious critter. What is he? 

Bought any good stuff this week? 

Sluttery Sales Spy: Urban Outfitters, Darling & Sugarhill Boutique

This week featuring scallops, Mrs Wedgwood, and a rare but welcome appearance from Melinda Messenger. 

THE DRESSES

Lace dress, £30 (was £40), ASOS

Do I want to look like a Wedgwood plate? Damn right I do. I want to look like the Wedgwoodiest of Wedgwood plates. I want to look like the plate Josiah designed when he'd had a few too many glasses of wine one night by the fire, and Mrs Wedgwood said, in overly-husky tones, "Design me a plate, Jo. Make it the best plate you've ever created. Don't scrimp on the blue, Joey. Jasper it up. And go for flowers. I want flowers. Flowers are wonderful, don't you think? None of your cameos or your Greek mythology, my love. So fucking boring". And so he whipped out his sketchpad and designed this, not knowing of course that centuries later ASOS would make it into a dress. I mean, how could he know? I don't think ASOS was even that popular back then.

Picture Perfect dress, £38 (was £54), Sugarhill Boutique

Say cheese! This Picture Perfect dress from Sugarhill Boutique is, well, picture perfect. It's covered in tiny vintage cameras! It's mint green! I LOVE IT! It's also available in blue at the same price. You'd better snap it up right now. Snap it up. Snap. You knew it was coming, didn't you?

THE JEWELLERY

Asya owl bracelet, £14 (was £29), Oliver Bonas

It's the most majestic, smug owl in the history of majestic, smug owls - and now he can be majestic and smug on your wrist. Yours will truly be the most majestically smug wrist there ever has been. The rest of you will be quite smug, too, because you'll have saved yourself a whole £15. I can't vouch for your majesty, though. Or Her Majesty.

And Mary I Love You keys necklace, £10 (was £18), ASOS

Wear these teeny-weeny keys around your neck, and pretend you're taking part in an episode of Fort Boyard: Wonderland Special. You never know, if you open the correct tiny door, you might unlock Melinda Messenger, Tom Baker, or some French bloke. Or a tiger.

THE SKIRTS

Louche Giselle skirt, £30 (was £45), Joy

I can't promise that this Giselle skirt will one day lead to you taking the principal role in a ballet about a spirit rising from the grave, but I can guarantee that you'll have the requisite number of skirt swooshes and twirly feelings should that opportunity ever present itself. Better buy it to be on the safe side, yeah? You never know when the Bolshoi might come a-knocking, and you wouldn't want a lack of swooshes and twirls to jeopardise your chances when they do.

Julia skirt, £25 (was £49), Darling

My love of a scalloped edge is well-documented around these parts, as is my love of scallops. This Julia skirt from Darling is delightful, having as it does a scalloped hem AND scalloped pockets. No scallops were harmed in the making of this skirt, though, so rest easy.

THE HOMEWARES

Factory side table, £42 (was £60), Urban Outfitters

Urban Outfitters always has a fine selection of coloured metal furniture, and right now they've got a 30% off all furniture and bedding promo going on, making this simple-but-effective mint green side table just £42. Enter the Laura-approved discount code WOOP at the checkout, and watch your bank account breathe a sigh of relief, wiggle its toes in contentment, and have a mid-afternoon nap.

Boris the Dog cushion, £14 (was £20), Urban Outfitters

Reader, meet Boris. Boris is just a young lad, looking for his forever home. He likes curling up on the sofa and spending time with his people. He's not that keen on long walks and he hates getting wet. He wouldn't mind sharing a house with a cat, and he's good with children as long as they don't try to draw on him. Boris would suit someone who's at home all day, lying about stuffing their face with sweets while watching whatever daytime movie they can find on the telly without too much effort. Remember to enter the code WOOP to get your discount. Not WOOF. 

Sluttery Sales Spy: Joy, Boden & Tatty Devine

Step 1: stop what you are doing.

Step 2: pick up your purse.

Step 3: extract credit card.

Step 4: buy everything.

THE DRESSES

Yumi Lovely Lemurs dress, £38 (was £63), ASOS

From afar, I look at this photo and think three things.

1) That's a nice red dress. 

2) That's a nice bag.

3) Those are god-awful shoes.

Up close, however, I think only one thing. It may be the most important thought I have ever had, so brace yourself, dear reader. It's profound, it's philosophical, it may just change your world forever. It is:

LEMURS!

Louche Carys dress, £25 (was £45), Joy

The chevron explosion on this Carys dress from Joy reminds me a little of the colourful tessellation of some of Bridget Riley's later works. You'll be pleased to know that's the sum of my serious art chat for today, but I'll be back next week with an in-depth critique of why International Klein Blue is a hard colour for anyone to pull off.

THE SHOES

Delilah heels, £75 (was £104.99), Miss L Fire

These beautiful shoes look like the sort of not-that-high heels I can actually walk in without the aid of a zimmer frame/local anaesthetic. What has happened to me? Between the years of 1996-2009, I could trot around on massive heels, being all tower-like. I was the Eiffel, the CN, sometimes Blackpool if it was an off-day. And now? Put me in anything over a few centimetres, and I am at best Pisa, and at worst the Pharos Lighthouse. Sometimes I'm Babel, but that's only when I've been on the gin.

Poiret heels, £65 (was £99.99), Miss L Fire

When I found these gorgeous green suede heels from Miss L Fire, I was all set to tell you that it had been a Herculean task to find them. That it took a lot of detective work on my part, that at times it felt like murder (on the Orient Express). My little grey cells were almost Belgian out of my head after Suchet difficult investigation.

Yes, I was all set to tell you that. And then I looked at the name of the shoes again, and realised they're called Poiret. Not POIROT.

THE SKIRTS

Striped skirt, £55.20 (was £69), Boden

Striped out after our round-up earlier this week? NAH! We've always got room in our cloth hearts for a few more stripes. I really like this Boden skirt. Box pleats can be a little too school uniform when they're in a solid colour, so hallelujah for this combo, which is described as 'fruit punch and pearl' because Boden works with a different palette to the rest of us. Of course it does.

Burnout floral skirt, £52.50 (was £75), ASOS

I ADORE THIS SKIRT. You can't tell from this photo, but there's some sort of devoré thing going on (the word 'burnout' in the description may have alerted you to this fact. It doesn't mean the skirt is going to rehab for 'exhaustion'). The whole thing is stupendously pretty and I want it on my lower half right now. I'd even settle for it on my top half. I could wear it as a cape.

THE JEWELLERY

Tatty Devine gin brooch, £12 (was £15), Red Door Gallery

The first Tatty Devine piece I ever bought was their Gilbert & George gin necklace. I still love it. I may be forced to buy the matching enamel brooch, but I promise I'll only wear them together when I'm very, very, very drunk.

Lady Muck honeycomb and bee necklace, £35 (was £43), Red Door Gallery

Thanks to this Lady Muck honeycomb and bee necklace, I have been reminded of Billie Piper's 1999 magnum opus Honey To The Bee. And because I alone can't be haunted by this all afternoon, here's a reminder:

Thank heavens she found out she was quite good at acting.

Sluttery Sales Spy: Coco Fennell, Lindy Bop & Paisie

It's Friday! It's lunchtime! It's Friday lunchtime! This can mean only one thing: SALES!

THE DRESSES

Annie dress, £65 (was £79), Coco Fennell

We've already sworn an affidavit* about Coco Fennell's dresses, and it simply says this:

FUCKING BRILLIANT!

Co-signed,

Team Sluttery** 

The Annie dress is one of my favourites, for reasons that we are about to see in The Big Collar Reveal below.

* Oh, all right: written a post. We do write them under oath, though. Frances comes to our houses and looms over us, brandishing a bible and muttering things about the truth. Sometimes she wears a wig made from pony hair.

** It actually says quite a bit more than that. 

Look! A parade of ants! (Quite big ones at that.) You'll look a little bit like a classic British picnic, especially if you drop a crumb of cake on your collar and surround yourself with angry wasps.

Cecelia dress, £22.99 (was £29.99), Lindy Bop

Lindy Bop has a really good sale section at the moment. The Cecelia dress is a joy. That bright pink! Those buttons! That ruching! None of their dresses are expensive in the first place, but at £22.99, this is a complete and utter BARGAIN.

THE JEWELLERY

Hands collar clips, £10 (was £22), Paisie

Paisie is an all-round excellent shop, and one of our favourites for both clothing and jewellery. These golden collar clips are brilliantly creepy, but not so much so that you'll catch sight of yourself in the mirror and start screaming. Oh, and that cape dress that Sian loves is wildly reduced. Now we can all be detective superheroes, which is all I've ever wanted to achieve in life.

Ring charm bracelet, £26.20 (was £35), ASOS

I am charmed by this charming charm bracelet made of rings! If you're ever short of finger adornment, you can just raid your charm bracelet for an emergency ring. Remember to put it back, though, otherwise one day you'll put the bracelet on and it'll have only three lonely, sad rings hanging there. The runts of the ring litter; the rings that never get picked during social dancing at school. They'll turn on you, those rings. It'll be like a Stephen King novel. But with way more rings.

THE BAGS

Bunny bag, £13.50 (was £18), ASOS

We've seen this wee guy before, courtesy of our rabbit round-up. This time he's pale pink, and no less cute for it. I want to ping his little ears.

Cross-stitch clutch, £22.50 (was £30), ASOS

Well this is coincidental, because I'm pretty sure I'm not, too. In fact, I'm practically certain. What about you? Are you? No, I don't think you are. I'm pretty sure you're not either. You're a lot of things, but definitely not that. Phew.

(Do we have any idea what this bag is talking about? I feel there's a reference here that's gone over my head. Please enlighten me.)

THE SHOES

Let's Go flats, £21 (was £28), ASOS

Kids, this is what happens when you drink too much Sunny Delight: your feet turn orange. All that beta carotene just goes straight to your toes, heels and ankles. Weird, huh? It's no problem, though, because you can just stick a nice little toggle on there and call it footwear.

Felicity flamingo slipper shoes, £19 (was £29), Accessorize

I have no idea whether slipper shoes are in, out, or shake it all about. Quite frankly, anything flamingo-based is a fashion triumph in my book, so these Felicity slippers from Accessorize are scoring A* in Fashion Maths at Laura's School of Style. The only downside is, you can only stand on one leg while you're wearing them.

Bought anything good in the sales this week, my lovelies?

Sluttery Sales Spy: Donna Wilson, Joy & Yumi

The sales called. They want your money. Said it was urgent. 

THE DRESSES

House print dress, £22.50 (was £45), Yumi

Life, I think, would be better if coloured houses were encouraged everywhere, not just by the sea. Yumi clearly agrees with me, and they have given their (tacit) blessing for this dress to be worn everywhere: city, countryside, mountain, forest, desert, swamp, jungle, Tesco, B&Q, Home Bargains, Wimpy, everywhere. Sensible town planners! Pesky neighbours! Unreasonable landlords! You can't defeat us. We are the Colourful Houses Gang, and we're coming for you. Possibly on rollerskates.

Louche Gwenna pinafore dress, £25 (was £49), Joy

Double-breasted and I don't get along - we have tried to thrash out our differences, but it's just not going to work. It's time for me to do the grown up thing and leave lovely dresses like this one to the women who can wear them without bursting into tears every time they look in a mirror. You're going to look super. I'm not envious at all. Nope. No. Leave me be. I'm fine.

THE JEWELLERY

Rock 'N Rose bitch ring, £14 (was £19), ASOS

This may be my favourite find of the year so far. I mean, come on, it's a bitch ring. Granted, it's probably not suitable for the office - although you could just type really fast and wave your hands about a lot when you're standing in the coffee area, and no-one will be able to read what it says. Don't do windmill arms when you're actually holding your coffee, though. That's a health and safety issue, guys.

New Moon mini gemstone necklace, £14 (was £17), Regal Rose

Regal Rose is having a brillo sale (not selling actual Brillo pads, sadly) at the mo. Sian's already bought a pair of fantastical ear weapons, and I'm about to buy an ombré lace crown (yes, it's as great as it sounds) for absolutely no reason whatsoever, other than the only reason anyone would want an ombré lace crown: to be an ombré lace queen. This gemstone triangle necklace is a many-splendoured thing, too. Oh, and that elbow harness you've been looking for is there as well.

THE BAGS

Nica satchel, £39.20 (was £49), Debenhams

Well, now: I don't need another yellow satchel in my life, but if I did, this Nica number would be a strong contender. You can put your swipey card of choice in that front pocket, and then you'll never have to fumble around looking for it ever again. You can simply wallop your bright yellow bag on the card reader and continue merrily with your day.

Leather clutch, £33.50 (was £45), ASOS

I don't really know what's going on here, but I do know that I like it. Pootle across to ASOS and have a look at the model shot for a sense of how marvellously absurd this silver leather clutch bag actually is. It's a space-age briefcase.

THE HOMEWARES

Jamie Oliver pasta maker, £29 (was £50), BrandAlley

Have you ever made your own fresh pasta? I have not, but if I had this cute wee pale blue pasta maker in my kitchen, I daresay I'd make it at least once a year every week. It also comes in bright red, to warn you of the danger of putting your fingers in the gaps.

Donna Wilson Owl & Pussycat cushion, £30 (was £60), John Lewis

Ah, I love this Donna Wilson cushion. But why's the boat not pea green? The owl and the pussycat didn't go to sea in a beautiful black boat with blue flags, did they? Because then the poem wouldn't have scanned or rhymed, although I suppose the addition of flags would have meant they could've brought along fags, bags, mags, and rags instead of all that honey. They could have also had a sha... Oh, do stop it.

How are you all, and have you bought anything nice this week?