Sluttishly Smoky: Food Smokers

Whenever the sun comes out, everyone rushes to cook outside. I'm sure that it's either because we're so excited to see sunshine that we have to celebrate immediately or we're sceptical that it'll last and we want to make the most of it. It's probably a combination of the two that has us falling over ourselves to fire up the barbecue and buy all the sausages in the supermarket. Instead of just barbecuing, try smoking your food. You don't even need to go to a specialist shop to buy a smoker, Asda Direct have this Bar-Be-Quick smoker for £60 so you can order it online and have it delivered to your store for free, then pick it up on your weekly shop.  

If you're asking, "what is this mythical 'sun' you speak of?" then you probably live under that band of rain I saw on the weather forecast last night. I haven't seen any rain in weeks, I actually ate breakfast outside today (do you hear that? It's the sound of all my family and friends in Glasgow simultaneously disowning me.) Never fear, though, you can still smoke food inside with this Stovetop Smoker for £59 from Sous Chef. You can even get a mini one if you just want to smoke enough hotdogs for yourself. 

You can turn any barbecue a smoker with these Firespice trays. Soak one in water and place it on top of your coals to infuse your food with beech, hickory, cherry or apple wood. They're £14.99 for a pack of four from Lakeland.

If you can't wait to try out some food smoking, why not make this brilliant tea-smoked chicken for dinner tonight while you wait?

Top Ten Custard Recipes

All of life's crap is improved when it's smothered in custard. Even a trip to Ikea. Even your self-assessment. Almost certainly that bloke in the office who isn't very nice to you.* But custard isn't just for winter. Oh no. It's very much an all year round thing. Here are our top ten custard recipes.

Ticking ALL of our boxes is this rhubarb and ginger trifle. It's in season, it fits in very nicely with our most recent Just Desserts theme and well, just look at it. It's not the only trifle recipe we've gone for recently. You could also choose a boozy chocolate fudge trifle, or a boozy pina colada trifle. Look, booze and custard work a treat together, don't try and fight it.

No really, don't try and fight it. Make rhubarb and custard vodka instead.

Or you could make whisky chocolate custard instead. I really had no idea when I started compiling these recipes that they would make us look like we have a booze/custard problem. Here's some normal, brilliant homemade vanilla custard that will quickly dispel that myth (right?) If you happen to have some leftover (wait, what?) then you can turn it into boozy chocolate mousse, or give these chocolate sex pots a try.

Crème brûlée! You can't write about custard and not have crème brûlée. If left to my own devices, I'd totally crack your sugary top. Then you wouldn't invite my over for tea again.

You should probably give this crepe cake a try as well (creme pattisiere is basically posh custard). If you're still not done with the whole rhubarb and custard thing, then clafoutis is the answer.  Or...

Roobarb and Custard!

Time for some ice cream now. Yep, most ice cream starts off as custard first (and waiting for it to cool is a total bore). We've got two brilliant recipes - a chocolate ice cream or a gorgeous gluten free pumpkin ice cream.

And of course, we couldn't do a custard round up without a custard tart. This one is even gluten free. If you want even more custard inspiration, check out our recent Fighting For Custardy Just Desserts round up. Puns and recipes aplenty.

*Don't try these at home, kids. We're fibbing.

Take a look at the rest of the Domestic Sluttery top ten recipe posts.

Something Old, Something New: Ahoy Sailor!

Ahoy there Domestic Slutettes. It's time to set sail on another Something Old, Something New. This fortnight I'm looking at one of my all-time favourite retro looks: nautical fashion. Inspired by the slight bit of sunshine we've had, I'm dreaming of skipping off to the seaside.

Nautical fashions are a firm favourite with repro brands, where you be a saucy sailor, in the likes of the Captain Dress from Bettie Page Clothing, or show off your sea legs in Vivien of Holloway's 40s-style slacks. Here's five more shipshape styles.

NEW: Pop Boutique Sailor Dress, £28; OLD: WearAreTheyNow, 1960s Sailor Dress, £29.60

Anchors away with a very traditional sailor look to begin with: blue with a white trim, and an anchor motif to hammer that theme home. These two virtually match each other on price as well as looks, though you'll need to pay a bit more to get the 1960s dress from the States. The Pop Boutique dress also comes in red, for a attention-grabbing twist on the look.

NEW: Louche Lauren Stripe Dress, Joy, £39; OLD: Absolute Vintage Striped Cotton Dress, £22

Another sailor styling staple: stripes. Chanel famously made the Breton top chic, and we've been following her lead ever since. These dresses both look like they'd be perfectly at home lounging round a yacht (despite being priced at more Channel ferry prices). Obviously you'd have to accessorise with a string of pearls...

NEW: Lowie cotton sailboat dress, £145; OLD: BetaBoutique 70s Nautical Dress, £28.26

Sara's already shown you one boat dress this week. I can't resist a good novelty print so had to show you a couple more. Lowie have a couple of gorgeous nautical dresses in stock at the moment, though sadly all on the pricey side (take a look at their tea dress for an additional swoon). I bet you'd love them to pieces if you did decide to splash out though. Meanwhile the 1970s number on the right is my favourite dress of the week: with stripes, boats and a huge bow, I think it might be sailing its way to me shortly.

NEW: Anthropologie Sailaway Circle Skirt, £119; OLD: Berty and Gerty 1970s Boat Print Skirt, £10

And some more fantastic prints. You could push the boat out literally and go for the Anthropologie circle skirt on the left. Or, if you are a size 10, you might want to take advantage that the vintage skirt on the right is less than a tenth of that price.

OLD: Rokit 1950s sailor collar dress, £112.50; NEW: Revival Retro Natalie Dress, £189

My last two finds are more expensive but I wanted to show that sailor style could work for more formal looks too. Another bit of nautical fashion that's filtered its way into the mainstream is the sailor collar, as demonstrated by the 1950s dress on the left. With a fitted waist, it'll look stunning if you're blessed with an hourglass figure. On the right is the Natalie dress, a repro look with a similar style, though this one was inspired by the 1940s. It hasn't got the collar, but still retains the very cute bow and the all-important navy and white colour scheme. Both dresses look ready for whatever event you throw at them, whether that's high seas or high teas. Accessorise with an anchor ring, and one of Dollydagger's fabulous sailor tattoo necklaces. You'll be sure to make waves.

Plus Size Picks: Easy transitional Spring to Summer dressing

People in fashion throw around the word 'transitional' a lot. Burberry macs are transitional. Cropped trousers are transitional. Open toed shoes with tights are transitional (or a big mistake, depending on who you speak to). Pencil skirts are transitional. In normal person speak, transitional dressing is what you do between seasons when the weather has no idea what it's doing. It's what I did this morning when I put on a floral dress and sandals to start with, then looked out the window, thought better of it and added a leather jacket and ballet pumps instead.

Transitional dressing when you're plus size can be particularly tricky because one of the keys to it is layering, and not many plus size brands have caught on to the fact 'layering' can go beyond leggings and a tunic. I'm talking lightweight long-sleeved tops, little jackets that you can legitimately wear inside without someone saying "oh, not staying then?" and fabrics that don't stifle.

So I went on the hunt for some truly useful Spring-to-Summer finds in larger sizes, and found a few brilliant pieces that will help you to make the move towards warmer weather without freezing (or, indeed, boiling) to death...

By this time of year I am done with boyfriend cardigans and big slouchy jumpers. It's time to replace them with lightweight, form-fitting knits with 3/4 or rolled sleeves and soft drapes. Forever 21+ has a classic cream jumper for under £20 (Sizes 18 - 22) that will add just enough warmth without bulk. It'd be great with a pencil skirt or jeans.

Kat said earlier that M&S are really ramping things up this Spring and I have to agree. Their plus size collection goes a bit unloved - mostly because they don't really bother to put it in shops - but there are some lovely gems lying in wait online. This blouse (£29.50 in sizes 20 - 28) is a hat-tip to one of Spring's biggest trends (monochrome) and has a great androgynous feel. Plus if you believe all that stuff about how stripes work with body shape, vertical ones are a winner.

Since discovering jersey blazers, I've never looked back. This is exactly the type of jacket I mention above, the one you can get away with wearing inside when the idiots in charge of your office building put the air conditioning on far too high (just me?). Jersey is more casual that other blazer fabrics, but it's one step up from a cardigan in the smart stakes. Plus, heart print! It's crying out to be worn with denim, and is yours from Simply Be for £32, sizes 14 - 32.

This wouldn't be a Domestic Sluttery fashion post without a dress. This one is great for this time of year as it's got a slightly slouchy shape which means you can easily add a long-sleeved top and leggings underneath if the temperature drops. It would look equally nice with bare legs and flip-flops in a few months time. The simple shape has that lovely slouchy holiday vibe (who wants tight, restrictive shapes when the Sun is shining?) but it can be belted for a smarter look too. It's £29 from Very's So Fabulous range, in sizes 14 - 28.

Are culottes a thing now? It's all a bit Brownies flashback for my liking, but I had to include these because they are the ultimate transitional piece - all the glamour of a midi skirt without the fear you will flash your knickers in a gust of wind. Plus, only ASOS curve would ever have the guts to do them in sizes 18 - 26, in a tricky print (£40). They're bonkers, but I'm looking forward to seeing a brave lady give these a go.

If it's you, I want to see photos!

Sluttishly Savoury: Chorizo & Blue Cheese Cup Quiche

Microwave cooking in a cup is surely the most delightfully lazy way to weave culinary magic, and it's a technique that Domestic Sluttery has already elevated to an art form with the frankly Mensa-membership-worthy Emergency Jaffa Cake. I'm peeking out from the shadow of its mighty wings with this cup quiche, which gives you a tasty tea in oh, around four minutes.

Don't expect it to taste exactly like quiche - hello, there's no pastry for a start - but do get your tastebuds a-tinglin' for hot, eggy, blue cheesy, bready, chorizooey (Deschanel) GOODNESS. It is marvellous. I had two in one sitting.

Feel free to mix up the recipe and chuck in whatever ingredients you have lying around - vegetables work well, and any kind of cheese can be used. If you're using a non-creamy cheese, I'd add a scant tablespoon of cream to add some oomph.

Chorizo & Blue Cheese Cup Quiche (serves one)
You will need:

• 2 large eggs
• 1 tbsp milk
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 25g crusty bread, torn into small chunks (I used the heel of a small loaf)
• 30g chorizo, skin removed and diced
• 20g soft blue cheese, cubed (I used Saint Agur)
• A sprinkling of chopped parsley, fresh or dried

Make it!

1. In a cup, beat the eggs and milk until mixed. Season with a little salt and pepper.
2. Add the bread pieces, tszuj it around in the egginess a bit, and then throw in the chorizo and cheese. Poke at these until they're more or less covered with egg. 
3. Sprinkle with parsley, then microwave for 2-3 minutes, depending on your MICRO-POWER! Keep a close eye on the cup as it spins around, lest the egg comes whooshing over the sides. The middle will look set once it's done. Obviously. 
4. Smugly eat, while surveying the (almost) zero washing-up.

Perfect Spring Pencil Skirts

I've got my legs out today for the first time in months! Yes, they could be used as camouflage for wildlife in the event that the Arctic finally gives up the ghost and melts, but they're out and it feels lovely having warm April air on them again.

My absolute favourite thing about spring is bare legs. For this, I use a coterie of ancient pencil skirts that belonged to my mum in the 80s, as well as more up-to-date purchases from the last few years. A pencil skirt is utterly brilliant for spring: just add in a nice top or a slouchy t-shirt, stick on a wide belt (mine's elasticated - no judgments. It's got to get me through Pie Winter too) and stick some shoes and sunglasses on and you're good to go.

High-waisted skirts are the way to go, or you end up with a gap between your belt and the skirt that looks insane (don't skip the belt, it nips you in and gives you curves that are proper curves and not Daily Mail euphemism). I love this New Look striped skirt. It's only £14.99, it has those excellent go-faster panels on the sides that are genuinely slimming, and horizontal stripes really are to be embraced by everyone. Not vertical, unless you want to look like a signpost.

I've had an enormous crush on this M&S Limited Collection skirt for ages (more panelling again, this isn't a theme, promise). M&S has really pushed the boat out for spring and there is a ton of gorgeous stuff in. This is £35 and it comes in sizes 6 to 18 (18 is sold out online so order it in-store).

This Amori Bay pencil skirt is £38 from Oasis (sizes 6 to 18; ask in-store for 6 and 18) and that pattern is to die for. Honestly. I've put in a lifestyle shot so you can get an idea of how to style it (although actually, a navy blue top and bright shoes would look a bit more interesting IMO - yours truly, Gok Brown) but let's have a close-up of that pattern.

Love it. It's all Japanese-ish and makes me think of blossoms and sunset paintings involving mountains. And ultimately, a really good spring skirt should make you feel optimistic or 100 per cent cheerful.

Like this liquorice allsort skirt for instance! Who doesn't want to look like they're channelling sweets? I love it. It's from Topshop Tall and costs £22 in sizes 8 to 16 (and yes, there's a regular version too, sizes 4 to 16).

ASOS is always tremendous for bright, exciting skirts and this season is no different. Have a good look through for your favourite - in the meantime, I love this fantastic graphic Sonia by Sonia Rykiel jersey skirt (£70, sizes S, M, L). It's dramatic, puts you in mind of wonderful places, and will go brilliantly with all your most colourful clothes. So you can go about your business feeling amazing, as you absolutely should at this time of year.

Happy legs-baring!

Let Her Eat Cake: White Chocolate and Pistachio Cream Cupcakes

I used to hate pistachios when I was younger; pistachio ice cream in particular left me completely cold (sorry). That was until I went to Italy and first tried pistachio cream. AMAZEMENT! Pistachios are delicious! In a Nutella-like spread they are nothing short of heavenly. I've been trying to recreate it ever since, and finally, this recipe hits upon something close.

Yes, it does involve shelling many a nut, but oh my stars is it worth it. (I shelled mine whilst watching Masterchef and yelling at the screen...)

The saltiness the pistachios means that these cupcakes hit a good balance, and are rich without being too sweet. Try to resist using Milky Bars, and go for a good-quality white chocolate instead: it'll make all the difference.

White Chocolate Cupcakes with Pistachio Cream (Makes 8-10)
You'll need:
For the cream:

• 150g pistachios, shelled
• 10g butter
• 100g icing sugar
• 100ml double cream
• 1 tablespoon Greek yoghurt

For the cakes:

• 250g butter
• 250g caster sugar
• 4 free-range eggs
• 250g self-raising flour
• 150ml Greek yoghurt
• 1 vanilla pod or 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 100g white chocolate

Make it!

The cream:

1. Blanch the pistachios for 2-3 minutes in boiling water. Drain and plunge back into cold water. Drain again. 
2. Pulse the nuts in a food processor or with a hand-blender until they begin to form a paste. 
3. Add the butter and continue to pulse until incorporated. 
4. Add the icing sugar a little at a time, according to taste, pulsing well in between. The nuts should have formed a thick, smooth-ish paste by this point.
5. In a clean bowl, whip the double cream until stiff. 
6. Add the pistachio mixture to the cream and fold in, with the spoonful of yoghurt, until combined.
7. Cover and chill in the fridge until needed.  

The cakes:

1. Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas Mark 4. Lightly grease the paper cupcake cases and place in a cupcake tin.
2. Cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
3. Beat the eggs then add to the butter a little at a time, with a teaspoonful of flour to stop the mixture from splitting.
4. Stir in the Greek yoghurt and the vanilla seeds or extract.
5. Sift the flour and baking powder into the mixture gradually, folding in gently with a metal spoon.
6. Grate or finely chop the chocolate and fold it into the mixture. (I like leaving the occasional surprise chunk...)
7. Dollop into the paper cases, filling them 2/3 full.
8. Bake for 20-25 minutes until golden and risen and a skewer comes out clean.
9. Place on a wire rack to cool. 
10. When the cupcakes are completely cool, take a sharp knife and cut a small inverted cone shape out of the top of the cake (to make room for the cream!).
11. Fill a piping bag with the pistachio cream and pipe into the cupcakes, swirling on top in a circle.
12. Decorate with chopped pistachios and DO NOT LEAVE UNATTENDED.