The Tall Girl's Clothes Shopping Guide

Really, the answer to the question, "I'm tall. Where should I shop?" is wherever you sodding well like. There is so much flexibility now that there is absolutely no reason why you should be limited to something with a Tall tag in the label - especially because some shops (cough, Topshop) just add a couple of inches on instead of making it fit properly.)

So if you've been pining after a classic Whistles dress, or you love A-Line's skater frocks then go for it! You've got nothing to lose except talking yourself out of some excellent clothes. Try on a load of stuff. It's fashion, it's fun. Well, unless you go on a mission in Oxford Street, then that's really more like hell.

I leave you with my last Tall Girl Treat on Domestic Sluttery: tall girl shops. It's a starting point - dress how you like, be confident and everything will be well.

Shoes!

 

Shoes are such a potential minefield that they get a post of their own. Bookmark The Ultimate Size 9 to 13 Shoe Guide, and prepare to hand over sizable chunks of cash to lovely, lovely shoes. There is no longer any excuse to cram your feet into shoes, heels, boots, pumps etc that are too small.

Clothes!

 

Here are my clothing-type specific guides, with shops in more detail below. While specific items may not still be available at time of reading, the "Go here, buy this" remains. Onwards!

• Jeans
• Tights
• Leggings
• Wedding dresses
• Maxi dresses
• Cardigans (that isn't a link error - H&M is the only place I get mine because ACE LONG SLEEVES)

And on to shops! Now, this is not exhaustive. There are more tall shops out there. However, these ones are the ones I always go back to, and where I get all my clothes from.

Long Tall Sally

Ah, the ubiquitous Long Tall Sally, home to so many disappointed shopping trips in my teens, but now more likely to turn up some absolute diamonds. I've bought a lot from here over the past three years - their winter pyjama bottoms are so cuddly - but you really do have to try each thing on as sometimes their trousers will come up massively large. If you get the catalogue you get a code each issue for free delivery and returns, which is a big help if you can't get to a shop.

Not perfect, but nothing is. Long Tall Sally's autumn 2014 collection looks extremely delicious, so do keep an eye on them as some of my favourite wardrobe items are LTS classics. For more inspiration, go back through the Long Tall Sally tag.

Marks and Spencer

There's no specific tall range here, but I rarely if ever come out of M&S without either a bag, or a wishlist. Their new website is marginally less terrible than their old website, but I like to go to the Westfield Stratford or Marble Arch stores to get a really good look at the new stuff. Their M&S Collection line is superb, same goes for their accessories, and who can forget the pug dress that melted the internet? Find more Marks and Spencer inspiration on the tag.

Topshop

Clearly a transparent excuse to include this brilliant photo of my partner in tall crime, Elizabeth, and I, trying on a lot of heavily sequinned Topshop clothing. As I mentioned before, Topshop Tall's fit is largely terrible. But oh! They do tall Christmas jumpers! And when they bring Baxter jeans back in every so often, that's why you shop at Topshop. They really are the best jeans ever. I've tried any number of other shops, and even Topshop's other types, but Baxters fit brilliantly and don't lose their shape.

(And I totally did get a sequinned jumper in the end. And a skirt.)

Monsoon

Smart dresses for the office can be a real arse for tall girls so hurray for Monsoon, which is simply brilliant for wrap dresses as well as knit dresses for winter. Have a look at their other clothes we've featured over the years: unsurprisingly, I adored their sparkly jumpers, but their artsy shirts are also the first thing I elbow people out of the way for in their excellent sales.

Tall Girls

This is another company that has come on a frankly staggering amount since I was a teenager. Their pop-up appearances in Regents Park bring a really good selection of clothes and shoes to town, and their fit is excellent, even if the fabric quality can wobble about quite a bit. Again, really worth trying stuff on if you can, but when you find something good, it really, really is very good.

ASOS

Seriously, where would we be without ASOS? The world would fall apart. I'm so pleased ASOS Tall has finally launched, and the clothes and design are just great. I lost my beloved cape just before moving offices, and psychically ASOS have brought out an even cooler one seemingly on my behalf. Thanks very much for that ASOS. A great mix of original designs and tall brands, and I can't wait to see what they do for trousers in the autumn.

THE END

That's it for Tall Girl Treat on Domestic Sluttery - if you're in the mood for more tall clothes picks, I will be blogging over on my own site, Exotic Maypole, and on Twitter @katbrown82. If you need me, I'll be scrolling through the DS Tall Girl Treat tag and weeping sadly, but always standing upright. We are tall, ladies, and fabulous - not fallen coathangers.

Shelf Esteem's Must-Read Books

 

Extremely suitably, I have ended up in the most lady writerly scene possible for writing my last Shelf Esteem column. I'm at home at Twee Flat, sitting in the armchair my mum reupholstered for me in red cord when I moved in.

Candles are lit (including, obviously, my eternally beloved Melt STILL) and Cat Brown is purring away on my lap. Outside, the sun is setting in vivid pink candystripes, and my elderly neighbour is having a minor argument with her other half about where she last saw the green spade.

It is WITCHING O'CLOCK.

*A pause to push Cat Brown off the keyboard*

Shelf Esteem's Greatest Hits

My favourite books from the top-rated reviews: these are the ones I would press on you at a party, while looking slightly wild-eyed and upsetting. The Goldfinch not included because you've most likely already read it, despite its inordinate size.

Click on each link for the full review, and to buy it.

Shotgun Lovesongs by Nickolas Butler (4/5)
A beautiful story of friendship and life in the American country - which means Big Country, not just "Ooh I got the train to Guildford and wandered around for a bit." It starts off small, but before you know it it's unravelled some stunning writing and slapped you round the face.

The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert (5/5)
Oh God was I sniffy before starting this. Eat Pray Love woman? Weird aged aunt-looking cover? Thank heavens I even opened the damn thing because this is just a treasure of terrific story, beautiful language and frantic, cupboard love of the most literal kind.

Mrs Hemingway by Naomi Wood (4/5)
Ernest Hemingway was a ghastly, ghastly man, but his wives and mistresses were incredible. Wood does a brilliant job of linking them all together without making the reader want to jump out of the window at the sheer heartbreak of it all, and in return you get a fantastic and evocative read that sizzles with poetry and summer tension.

Campari For Breakfast by Sara Crowe (4/5)
A ridiculously charming tale that ticked all my favourite coming of age boxes: eccentric relatives, a yearning for romance, the threat of eviction, and all nicely roasted in wit, lovely plotting and a healthy measure of gin.

Tinder by Sally Gardner (5/5)
I adore fairy tales and anything magical, not because I am five but because the imagery you get is so stunning. Sally Gardner's poetic, almost violent narrative takes a Hans Christian Andersen classic and together with David Roberts' staggering artwork makes for a book that whisks you firmly into another, colder world until you've finished.

Shelf Esteem's Summer Picks

I spent last week on holiday greedily ingesting all the books I'd been saving up for such an occasion - the good thing about being a borderline albino redhead: nobody looks at you askance when you hide indoors. These are my favourite new titles - 5/5 each one - while the Sluttery team picks their favourites to read on holiday.

 The Vacationers by Emma Straub
If you read enough really good books you get fooled into thinking it's easy to come up with believable characters, plot and location. It only took two nearly-there books for me to fall upon Straub's with grateful relish: in this story of a restless American family holidaying in Mallorca (very funny on that choice she is too) with friends, she nails all three. I really hoped this would be amazing, and it really is.

The Girl With All The Gifts by M.R.Carey
Melanie is a young girl like any other, she thinks. It is a bit odd that she has to be strapped into a wheelchair under military supervision in order to attend her school lessons, but the beneficent light of her favourite teacher Miss Justineau is distraction enough for the moment. That's all you get from me, but this was my favourite book of the holiday. Carey is a comics writer, and puts that medium's tight, active writing into an always engaging story that keeps your attention laser-focused, even during action bits when if you're anything like me, you start checking your watch and going "Oh is this still going is it?"

The Wrong Knickers: A Decade of Chaos by Bryony Gordon
Dreadful cover, and an "Oh, Bridget!" title do this thoughtful, emotional and hilarious memoir a disservice. Less wacky than Gordon's columns can tend to be, this is an unflinchingly unselfpitying look at your 20s, when you don't know enough not to believe everything you're told, and are too poor or pissed to do anything about it. I cried at the end, laughed all the way through, and thanked God my 20s are done with.

We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves by Karen Joy Fowler
I put off reading this for ages because I got so fed up at the publicity department shrieking details about the plot on Twitter. Do not do this! Pick it up now, because this is one of the most enjoyable, captivating books I've read in ages, and the lead character, Rose, one of the most intriguing. The sort of book that reminds you why you love to read.

Laura H: I'm currently reading The Whispering Muse by Icelandic poet and novelist Sjón, and am tremendously excited about it! Set in 1949 aboard a ship bound for the Black Sea, it is filled with witty humour and sudden bursts of raw myth; the second mate is in fact a hero from Greek epic poetry who once sailed with Jason and the Argonauts. If that doesn't get you excited then I don't know what will.

Other than that, I've just finished Ray Bradbury's Dandelion Wine. Overtly it's a nostalgic contemplation of life as a 12 year-old boy in late 1920s small-town America; but it's much more than that. Beneath the surface is a contemplation of the nature of time, youth, memory, written in truly wonderful prose. Aptly, the whole book feels somehow seeped in golden light and summer darkness. Great for a late night read on a balcony somewhere.

Next up will be David Mitchell's new novel The Bone Clocks - I'm a huge Mitchell fan so I can't wait!

Laura B: I've reread Françoise Sagan's Bonjour Tristesse more often than I can remember. It's scandalous and amoral - both excellent ingredients for a summer read - and set on the scorching-hot French Riviera. While reading, it's worth remembering three things: firstly, that Sagan was 18 when she wrote this. Secondly, that it earned her a papal denunciation. And thirdly, that it was far too daring for the UK in 1954, and the juicy bits were squeezed out of early editions. Don't worry - this recent translation cuts NOTHING.

Katie: Earlier this year I went to see the theatrical interpretation of Philip Pullman's Grimm Tales at Shoreditch Town Hall. It was really wonderful, and made me go home and pick up Pullman's book, which is a great read, and particularly good at reminding you quite how grim the original stories were!

Another vote for Tinder by Sally Gardner: although based on a fairytale, this one is definitely not for kids. Gardner was apparently heartbroken that being a grown-up meant reading books without pictures, so this one is accompanied by appropriately haunting illustrations.

I also recently finished Neil Gaiman's The Ocean at the End of the Lane which was utterly transporting. My only complaint was that it was too short. Reading on a Kindle I often forget to check how far through I am, and with this one I was expecting to only be about half way through when it came to an end! Gutted.

Frances: I have a habit of taking the gloomiest books on holiday with me and creating my own little salty tears pool next to the sun lounger. If you like that sort of thing too, I really recommend some Suri Hustvedt - the worlds she creates are incredible, although perhaps not that compatible with Pina coladas and the Macarena.

For complete escapism, I'm totally with Kat and Miss Pettigrew. Other books along that delightful line are Mrs Harris goes to Paris, a London char lady saves up her pennies to buy the Dior dress of her dreams in Paris and all sorts of wonders unfold, and the gorgeous The Enchanted April by Elizabeth Von Arnim, a book for "those who appreciate wisteria and sunshine". If this book doesn't make you want to skip off to Italy and get lost amidst fig and olive trees, well frankly you probably deserve a wet weekend in Skeggy for your holidays. And always, always, I Capture The Castle.

Sian: Alongside The Signature of all Things (which Kat will no doubt mention as she reviewed it and loved it) I can't think of a better summer read than American Wife by Curtis Sittenfield. It's a book to get totally lost in while sipping a ridiculous drink on a beach. If you're after a shorter read, try The Other Typist, which certainly isn't your average romp through 20s New York. It's perfect reading material for a long train journey. And obviously I can't ignore my all time favourite book The Poisonwood Bible. I'm so excited to read that again this summer.

Kat's last word, because she is getting totes emosh

And there we have it. I can't believe it's the last Shelf Esteem! On the one hand, I am full of regret over the books we won't get to discuss. On the other, thrilled because there are so many wonderful books still to come, and ones to re-read. Speaking of which...

Kat's favourite books

I can read these endlessly and always be comforted, inspired and find something new.

Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day by Winifred Watson
Rivals by Jilly Cooper
Flowers For Algernon by Daniel Keyes
Selected Stories by Katherine Mansfield
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Love and Rockets by Jaime Hernandez
Tales of the City by Armistead Maupin
A Tale of One Bad Rat by Bryan Talbot
The Kingdom Under The Sea by Joan Aiken and Jan Pienkowski
She by H Rider Haggard


I would love it if you would share your own favourites in the comments, or by tweeting me @katbrown82. Thank you for reading, and I wish you many more happy book times yet to come.

Design Porn: Scribbelicious Literary Jewellery

 

I'm on hols in Wales this week, so today's Design Porn comes to you courtesy of that beautiful country (dons implausibly Newport accent, says "cwtch" a lot, generally embarrases Welsh heritage).

Scribbelicious (north Wales, far from Newport) take damaged books, some a century old, and puts them to new purpose as beautiful jewellery. But if you, like me, are a bit "arrgh" about doing anything to books - even damaged ones - then you can breathe easily as Scribbelicious also carries an enormous supply of original designs. Shakespeare works predictably well, and as well as Scribbelicious's own website, the RSC and Globe shops both carry exclusive, lovely ranges.

These lovely wedding cufflinks are made to an original design, and like all Scribbelicious's jewellery, you can choose your own quote, weddingy or otherwise. They're £20.

Scribbelicious' bangles are lovely - the Guess How Much I Love You rabbits would make a sweet gift for any smalls you might now. This Lord of the Rings design is £18.

The pendants are fantastic; beautiful designs that make the most  of the lovely quotes they use housed in silver plated ovals. Hello Tyrion Lannister, you speak the truth.

Pick from Shakespeare, modern classics, 19th century and inspirational quotes, depending on what you require.

This Mary Poppins pendant is absolutely stunningly done,  if slightly foreboding. But then that's part of the deal with Mary. There are a lot of quotes from children's books here, from Anne of Green Gables to a number from Alice in Wonderland. I've just been reading The Children of Green Knowe for the first time in ages and have only just recovered from how beautiful and apt the writing is. Often, children's writers say it best.

And of course sometimes you just need a Ronseal quote, like this lovely silhouetted Love Books pendant.

This RIDICULOUSLY lovely Sherlock Holmes pendant, with accompanying Bottle of Mystery, comes from a fragment of a damaged book. It comes in a themed box and is, like all the pendants,  £18. NB: any jewellery that involves pieces of a damaged books will feature different pages,  but definitely those characters. Check with Scribbelicious if you want to make sure.

And where would we be without Pride and Prejudice? I LOVE YOU LIZZIE, YOU ARE BRILLIANT. And yes, there are Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre editions if your favourite couple doesn't involve Miss Eliza and Fitzwilliam "I put my upper lip in curlers" Darcy.

Oh blimey, I really did get caught up with pendants. These lovely earrings come from a damaged Victorian edition of Romeo and Juliet and come in a lovely themed gift box. I love a themed gift box, it makes the whole thing feel like An Experience. These are £14.

I'll call it a day there or I'll never stop, but have a lovely rootle around and don't forget Scribbelicious do bespoke commissions. NICE.

Thanks to @frizbot for the fabulous tip-off.

Design Porn: Sous Chef's Cute As Buttons Bento Boxes

 

KAWAII! *does that thing with the V-sign and massive smile, tries to look cute, fails*

Seriously though, can we have a word about these beautiful, fun bento boxes? I fell in love with them at Sous Chef's Christmas preview last week, but when I found you could get them online already well - Christmas bedamned, these require sharing.

We're massive fans of Sous Chef here at Sluttery. You can get every delicious ingredient under the sun, and fantastic kits. It's incredibly specialist. When I spoke to its founder, Nicola Lando, she said she'd initially been a bit worried that these boxes weren't serious enough. But that is precisely why they're wonderful: most bento boxes I've seen have been incredibly practical and MORTIFYINGLY dull.

Each of these cost £19.95 and would make a fantastic present to someone or, as with all Sluttery present ideas, to yourself. Did I mention how preposterously cute they are? I may be getting slightly hysterical over the whole thing.

Just pop a miso sachet in the top to add hot water to later, your stew or whatever in the middle, and rice or buns or other goodies in the bottom. Or whatever you like. If you are organised enough to make packed lunches, this here is your reward. And get yourself a pair of floral travel chopsticks while you're at it.

Now comes the tricky part: choosing your favourite.

The geisha boxes are like the most adorable Lego. Pick a colour! Purple geisha?

Or pink geisha?

This samurai warrior looks quite monumentally up to no good. Predictably, I love him.

How about the sumo warrior? So proud!

Sous Chef is foodie gift central - you can actually get lost looking through its pages - and these adorable, aspirational packed lunch boxes feature highly on my lists for friends in the future. Sorry Helen! Look away now! OH GOD IT'S TOO LATE.

Shelf Esteem: How To Build A Girl by Caitlin Moran

How To Build A Girl by Caitlin Moran
Shelf Worth: 4/5

I came at this, Caitlin Moran's first novel written as an adult, juddering all over the place with contradictory preconceptions. The title riffs off her bestselling non-fiction book! Would it just be a thinly-veiled book about a proto-Caitlin? But then her more focused, serious columns are shiningly good. Maybe there would be more of that? It was enough to make me WRITE ALL IN CAPS.

At the end of this book, I wanted to run out of my flat, find and hug teenage girls - inappropriate at any time, let alone in Camberwell at half eleven at night. Johanna Morrigan is a teenager who wants to be something. Or someone, she hasn't figured out who, but she knows it will involve writing, the one activity other than gloriously masturbating at any opportunity that she, as a properly poor girl, can do.

After assiduously listening to every music tape in her local library, she creates a new identity for herself as the elaborately eyelinered and mean Dolly Wilde, sends in sample reviews to the music magazine D&ME, and ends up as a completely naive stringer, filing reviews and, as she thinks it, supporting her family with work. But as Dolly's mean streak takes over, Johanna finds that her new persona might not be her ideal after all.

There is a no-nonsense disclaimer at the start that while Johanna Morrigan and Caitlin Moran share biographical details in common - Wolverhampton, large family on benefits, disabled father, precocious music journalism career, fatness, fondness for hats and having a lovely time wanking and shagging around - this is total fiction. That in itself feels like a whopper: I've read a number of interviews since in which Moran reveals great chunks of her own life that additionally match with Johanna's (the wearing of top hats, merrily declaring herself to be a "swashfuckler", giant, implausible penises), and while it would be amazing to have more Johanna and less Moran, there is still plenty to make it a hugely entertaining novel rather than a roman à fucklef.

Not least is the fact that Moran is just such a bloody good writer. As someone said recently, she's more than put in her 10,000 hours, and as a result some of the descriptions and lines are so beautiful you could sigh. And when she gets properly lost in her characters and forgets to Moranify them, it's a fantastic book, filled with humour, pathos and delightful characters - her family are wonderfully written, with a running gag that Johanna continually fails to identify her clearly gay brother's sexuality.

This feels like a bridging work between How To Be A Woman, her TV show Raised By Wolves and another, future novel that doesn't have Moran popping up behind the narrator to ask "How am I doing? Are you having fun?" In writing this, I hope she has found the confidence to go further, and leave what have become to feel like her security blankets behind. In the meantime, this book is a rare one that celebrates female coming of age without having sex as the demon in the corner.

New Best Shoes: Clarks AW14

I love this time of year, when all the sexy new stuff is either in-store, or being heavily trailed. I am SALIVATING over a pair of silver loafers from Tods, but seeing as Tods costs a billion quid, I will have to take control of my saliva glands and turn my attention towards something more affordable.

Clarks has been a bit rubbish so far this year - for me anyway, nothing good in a 9 - but having only really rediscovered them this time last year, I'm getting the sense that summer is their best time. There is a metric ton of good stuff at the moment, and here are just a few of my favourites.

Heels!

Heels! Heels for everyone, starting with the Dalhart Grove (sizes 3 to 8, £69.99). I love the combination of fabrics, and that manageable heel. A starter heel, for people who wouldn't been seen dead in kitten (that's everybody, yes?)

The Always Chic are just that (sizes 3 to 8, £79.99). Also available in patent oxblood and black, they're just brilliant. Soft support for the sole, beautiful fabric and a lovely elegant style.

I long to wear shoes like these, but they just make doorways too impractical. This Blues Charm model has tassels like a boss, and that fabulously slink black patent leather. It's also available in slightly boring brown, and both come in sizes 3 to 8 and cost £69.99. If you like this, try the Blues Myth style - slightly pricier at £79.99, but has extra details like lacing and the odd bit of tweed.

Che eleganza! This good looking creature is the Deeta Bombay, (sizes 3 to 9, £69.99) and also moonlights as black patent and oxblood leather. There is a lot of green and oxblood happening in Clarks this season, which is spectacularly good news if these are Your Thing (hands goes up in the air so fast you can't even.)

Such a lovely shape to the Azizi Isobel (sizes 3 to 8, £69.99). Also excellent: the fabric on the heel, and that sculpted thinger (technical term) on the front. Verdict: dead good.

(You can see why I get paid to do this, can't you.)

Flats!

Oh good lord these are basically my ideal shoes. I have lived in my silver Hotel Divas since last summer, but they are tragically succumbing to the fate of anything which involves metallic paint which is irreparable scratching. These Busby Jazz (sizes 3 to 9, £69.99) in oxblood are their replacements. You can get them in grey as well, but come on - shiny, deep red, beautiful.

These beautiful Busby Folly loafers are also available in brown leather and black patent, but the green has got me but whatever the equivalent of "the balls" is in women. GORGEOUS. There is a lot of excellent tassel action going on in Clarks at present, but this is its strongest game. Really annoyingly, the green variant is currently unavailable in sizes 3 and 9, but the other variants have those so hopefully they'll come in soon.

MOAR GREEN. These Busby Fizz brogues are the shit. Just look at them! Sizes 3 to 9, £69.99, and also available in black and oxblood - but really, these are the best. I'm purring as I stroke the screen. Wait, this got weird pretty fast. Moving on.

BREAKING: the Hamble Oak brogue gets thicker laces in 2014.

There are a squillion different designs, from green leather to black patent, and a wonderful combi style that looks a bit like a cow. But this is the one to go "Oh!" over: whoever's designing at Clarks these days should have a plaque in their honour. They're not in stock yet, but will be available in sizes 2 to 9, for £59.99.

The Grown-Up Chocolate Company

  

"Please note that we cannot be held responsible if you eat all the chocolates in one go," says the small print on London chocolatier The Grown-Up Chocolate Company's shopping page.

Speaking as someone who ate half a Terry's Chocolate Orange for dinner last night (Vitamin C! Carbs! Er...there's got to be an egg in there somewhere, protein!) this would be me unless I managed to summon the will to put them in the fridge.

What's in a name? Well, inspirational drives to eat chocolate, mainly

Sigh...nom

The Grown-Up Chocolate Company has the fun, teasing packaging of childhood, and such exciting flavours and meltingly good quality that you'd believe that they've got Oompa Loompas over in Essex and Enfield, rather than humans.

This is outrageously good chocolate: like Paul A Young with some ridiculous marketing. There are nine chocolate bars, with wonderful names like Glorious Coconut Hocus Pocus, and Crunchy Praline Wonder Bar -  and Salted Peanut Caramel Cracker, which is less evocative but extremely knee-trembling if you're as keen on that flavour combination as me. They're £2.50 each.

You can buy all nine for £22, and what I really respect is the other option to buy 100 for £150. That is a significantly more devoted outlay than my periodic purchasing of a large bag of Maltesers with a Dime bar.

Baby box...

Massive box!

There is a a choice of bars, tasting boxes, and beautiful combinations of elegant, well-thought out flavours and stunning presentation. Did I take a photo when I tried them on Monday? Er, no. Why did I not take a photo? Because I was busy making all manner of terrible noises about the Earl Grey chocolate that was making my taste buds go full Les Miserables finale.

There are three tasting box options, from the full whammy Tasting Tray, which is £25.95 and comes with 31 chocolates and two bars, to the Mini Tasting Tray (£13.95) with 18 chocolates and one bar, and the Yummy Scrummy Chocolate Bites (£7.95) which have four flavours to try.

The Grown-Up Chocolate Company is stocked online, and in the flesh at all good luxury shops - unhelpfully, they don't have a comprehensive list of stockists so ask them on Twitter and Facebook - and they will be stocked by Ocado for Christmas (yes, this is another Christmas in July joy).

Food Porn: Rubies In The Rubble

It's July, which means one thing: my favourite events of the year, Christmas in July.

There is something completely irresistible about leaving hot, sweaty London behind and going into a world occupied entirely by festive decorations, fake snow and swathes of Christmassy food. In the case of Ocado, THREE gorgeous dogs (real), a six-in-one bird that could feed an orphanage, and today's utterly gorgeous food porn.

Rubies in the Rubble chutneys are a divine meeting of beautiful presentation, excellent reasoning and absurdly tasty product. We'll get on the last one in a moment - mmm, moment - but it's that reasoning that really takes it up a notch.

Jenny Dawson started making her chutneys from otherwise perfectly good fruit and veg that was headed for the bin, or the landfills. As they write on their (beautiful) labels: "Our ingredients have to pass a taste test,  not a beauty contest. If it's wonky, in over abundance, or just plain pear-shaped,  it's in."

Yes, yes, all very good but OH MY GOOD LORD. I am eulogising today about Rubies in the Rubble (can't stop saying that name - it trips off the tongue like a dream) because of their Hot Banana chutney, a jar of which I was given by Ocado who will be stocking it as part of their Christmas foods.

I am resolutely not a banana person. I've never managed a whole one. I can't stand that sweet, curly flavour, and the texture makes me gag. My one fail-safe claim in games of 'I Have Never' has always been "I have never eaten a banana."  But I had just destroyed myself on my first run in weeks, and this was to hand, so I dipped some olive oil biscuits into it and before I knew it I was making even more socially-inappropriate noises than I was by the end of the run.

This is delicious, gently-spiced chutney that's sweet without being sickly, and almost irresistible. It's £4.25, and you can currently buy the chutneys from British Fine Foods, of which this is *definitely* one.

As well as Magical Banana Joy, I have my eye on the Pear and Walnut variety,  and Mango, which is one of my favourite condiments ever. You can also choose from Spicy Tomato Chutney, Apple & Ginger, Red Onion & Chilli, and if you know witchcraft/someone with good contacts, there's also London Piccalilli which was commissioned for Jamie Oliver's Diner restaurants (or, you know, go there and buy some).

Mmmmyyyyaaaaarghhhhh.

Shelf Esteem: We Were Liars by E Lockhart

We Were Liars by E. Lockhart
Shelf Esteem: 4/5

I am very envious of authors like J.K. or E. Nesbit whose names sound intriguing with initials. K. Brown may actually be the most boringly-initialled name in history.

E.Lockhart is the pseudonym for Emily Jenkins, who has achieved enormous success for picture books (as Jenkins) and YA  (Lockhart). We Were Liars, her latest, is a Whisper Book. This is where you only hear a lot about the book once you've actually read it, at which point hundreds of people come out of the shadows, hollow-eyed, and whispering "Oh my God wasn't it great? It was so great."

It would be significantly more useful if Whisper Books did this in reverse, and hundreds of people howled at you, or made an easy list, but honestly: stop reading now and just go off and get We Were Liars. When Sian said she was hooked on it, I went off and bought it, but it wasn't until I'd finished it (this is an all-in-one-go gulp down read) and was a fully paid-up member of the hollow-eyed club that I understood just how hooked she was.

(Is this enough preamble for you to just go off and buy it without me telling you anything? What do you mean, you want "some idea of what this book is actually about"? How prosaic of you.)

Cadence Sinclair Eastman, is 18, and since her father moved out, lives alone with her mother. In the summer, she gets to join her mother's family on their island, and become one of an institution, cossetted by sheer numbers, and the cosy cushion of privilege. The Sinclairs are a dynasty on a par with the Kennedys (at least, according to the Sinclairs).

Her mother and two aunts each has their own house on the island, built by Grandpa Sinclair, who gives and takes at the same time. He has his daughters in a dance of inheritance, which the children pick up on, and which Cadence satirises bitterly as fairy tales. While the grown-ups manage their power plays, the three eldest cousins, Cadence, Johnny and Mirren, enjoy the exhilaration of being a tight knit group, The Liars, with their cousin by marriage, Gat.

This summer, "summer 18", is Cadence first on the island since a half-remembered accident in "summer 15" left her with memory loss and migraines. Her aunts are behaving weirdly. Everyone is drinking too much. All she has is her Liars, and her on-off relationship with Gat which she tries to fix, while also trying to get to the bottom of what the accident was.

Cadence speaks in divisively-brittle statements laced with irony, synaesthetic descriptions ("Mirren, she is sugar, curiosity and rain") and a disconnect that goes far beyond the simple fact of her being a teenager. Some might find her hyperbole a bit much - her father leaving is described as an actual incident of shooting her through the heart - but just go with it. This memory-gap story puts a family thriller in an irresistibly claustrophobic setting of hostile wealth and privilege. Nobody's getting off this island until it's solved.

Perfect Patterns At M&S Collection

  

M&S is my hallowed place. So many of my favourite clothes are from there over the years that their "Huh, meh" periods are entirely endurable because you know that just round the corner is a boom year.

This time, it's in their fantastic M&S Collection line (it used to be Limited Collection, which has since become Limited Edition, which is largely uninteresting). I am a complete magpie for bright colours and for patterns, and if the two collide then it's pretty much buns for tea all round.

M&S does a really varied size range. Many items in this post are available in sizes 8 to 24.

 

I'm kicking off with these utterly magnificent swimsuits. I find swimsuit shopping a total chore, which is probably why I've worn my beloved For Luna costume for the last four years with only the occasional foray into an elderly bikini from previous times (the Jurassic age? Yep, that, but in teal).

They're both £35 for the TO DIE FOR tropical print, and the monochrome bandeau if you fancy some flowers but not a butterfly.

 

I've kind of lost count of the number of M&S tops in my cupboard. They're just great. Lovely designs and last for years. That amazing floral is available in M&S's full size range, right up to £24 and is a frankly ridiculous £15. That dreamy kingfisher one is me just making myself sad because I LOVE IT SO, but despite being new, it's sold out in all but 8, 10 and 24. No top for Kat. It's £15 too. *bursts into tears*

 

ARGH! I cannot tell you how much I love the geometric print dress (top). It's £49.50. In M&S Collection's former incarnation, they did a stunning print dress, skirt and shirt. I own the last two and they are two of my favourite things in my entire wardrobe. If you see this sort of thing in Marks, GET IT. In fact, if you're a petite there's an excellent print blouse, and a superb bodycon dress. It's a good day to be a petite.

For a less in your face look, try this demure but fabulous shift, and sling a huge slice of glittery necklace over the top. Wait, that's still in your face. Oh well, deglitter if you absolutely must. It's £45.

Let's top things off with trews and a fantastic jacket. Let's! These animal print trousers have a tapered leg and come in a variety of lengths - they're very popular though so get cracking if you want them on your gammes. £29.50 to you, madame.

And this Aztec cocoon jacket is just superb. A nice and easy way to go through the year without freezing or boiling in the relevant season, and £59. M&S has gone mad for Aztec prints this year, so be careful or you'll end up with a wardrobe consisting solely of zags. Although actually, that sounds rather fine indeed.