Chocolate Bars The Size Of An iPad!

Oh God, merely typing the words "monkey bars" gives me nightmarish flashbacks to primary school playgrounds. I have no strength in my arms. None. Maybe enough to control a very small horse,but realistically, enough to lift a large bar of chocolate.

One THE SIZE OF AN IPAD perhaps?

Oh you *know* you just want to rip off the packaging and eat the hell out of them

To celebrate a few low-key events happening in London this year, English chocolatiers Montezuma have brought out a line of cockney-themed chocolate bars, called Monkey Bars. This is nothing to do with traumatic childhood climbingThey are ENORMOUS. A monkey in rhyming slang is £500, and each one of their monkey bars is 500g, handily divided into ginormous squares to gnaw on. On the site they use a little Playmobile chef to show how big they are which is dead cute.

My cockney-rhyming slang is limited, to say the least; a year living in Bow offered precisely zero encounters with friendly cockneys. But after a few moments of brow-furrowing, we managed to figure out that Nanny Goat (milk chocolate with salted peanuts and butterscotch - tastes like heaven in a freaking box) was boat, Shake & Shiver (dark chocolate with cocoa nibs and peppermint) was river, and Adam & Eve (Venezuelan milk chocolate with orange and whole hazelnuts) was clearly a reference to Olympian rowing wunderkind Steve Redgrave.*

These enormous chocolate monsters cost £13.99 each and also come in Daisy Roots (Ecuadorian dark chocolate with cherry and almond slices) and Airs and Graces (same choc, but with nougat pieces instead of the slices. If anyone can tell me what the hell either of those translate as, I'd be thrilled.

*This is not true. Sadly.