Sluttery Sales Spy: Kurt Geiger, ASOS & Monsoon

Gosh, Friday's come around fast! Here I am again, bringing you the best of this week's bargains, and CAPS LOCKING all over your day. I love you. Don't you ever forget that.

THE JEWELLERY

N2 by Les Nereides tandem bicycle necklace, £35 (was £72), ASOS

STAR BUY! Did you miss out on winning our amazing Alex Monroe bicycle necklace yesterday? Stop crying and look at this. Feel better now? I thought you would. Isn't it beautiful? A tandem necklace! In the perfect shade of green! And with £37 knocked off! It also comes in white, or you can buy yourself a bicycle built for one in pale blue or pink.

Kenneth Jay Lane hedgehog ring, £42.49 (was £85), The Outnet

BEST OF THE REST: We are in agreement, yes, that it is finally the hedgehog's time to shine? I'm not taking all the credit here, but it started with my prophetic roasted baby hedgehog dream, and before we knew it, hedgehogs had pretty much ousted senior management over at People Tree. Expect it to be renamed Hedgehog Tree any day now. Kenneth Jay Lane has clearly succumbed to their prickly charms, too, crafting as he has this splendid hedgehog ring. Luckily, the hedgehog has had a professional blowdry, meaning you won't blind yourself when you flick your fringe out of your eyes.

Vera Meat rings, £22-35 (was £35-72), ASOS

So, last week I introduced you to The Meat Spine. This week, I've found all manner of (Vera) Meat jewellery. Meat rings, no less. Uh-huh. Meat Cat. Meat Heart. Meat Rabbits. Meat Bone. Meat Feather. Another Meat Rabbit. I could run and run with this. Don't worry, I won't. This is (probably) the last you will hear of my hilarious meat misunderstanding. Mainly because I've given myself the dry boak now. I love the meat rings, though. I think they're pretty... meat.

(Even I groaned. No need to apologise.)

THE DRESSES

Ink jewel dress, £25 (was £39.50), Dorothy Perkins

STAR BUY! Hey! Dorothy Perkins! The Queen called. She wants the crown jewels back off yer pretty dress, stat.

Can anyone else see the face of a sea lion? Look for the two massive dark sapphires surrounded by diamonds. Around the ladybits area. Yes, those ones that look a bit like Lady Di/D of C's engagement ring. So they are his sad, sad sea lion eyes. Down a bit... there's his little nose. And down further still, to those two huge pale blue rocks - they're his puffy whiskery bits. And there's his chin. Told you. I'm finding the idea of a sea lion staring out of my crotch a little creepy now. I'll get over it eventually. 

Merry Go dress, £35 (was £52), Sugarhill Boutique

BEST OF THE REST: Do I want carousel horses on my dress? Do you even have to ask? Have you learned nothing in the time we have spent together? The old you wouldn't have acted like this. You've CHANGED.

Stop asking silly questions and go and buy the dress.

Max C scallop collar dress in navy/cream, £30 (was £48), ASOS

Sofia Coppola would wear this Max C dress, wouldn't she? Probably while simultaneously being nominated for an Oscar, marrying some kind of Frenchman, hanging about on Dad's vineyard, visiting cousin Nic (sidenote: I've just remembered about the Nic Cage sofa), and shooting a close-up of Scarlett Johansson's beknickered bottom. Probably. Get that life courtesy of ASOS.

THE SKIRTS

Stripe pleated skirt, £22.50 (was £45), ASOS

STAR BUY! ASOS has taken all the best bits of Mexican bus upholstery and pleated it. I approve wholeheartedly, of course. Just don't sit on a Mexican bus wearing it. (Remind me one day to tell you the story of the sofa and the Sarah Jessica Parker coat.)

Olivia skirt, £49 (was £69), Monsoon

BEST OF THE REST: Basketweave just got glamorous! And it's putting me in the mood for a Club biscuit! Looking at this skirt makes me make a noise like this:

Hrrrrrmmmmppeeeewheeee!

Put it on and stick yourself on top of the Christmas tree.

NW3 Ash tweed skirt, £66 (was £110), Hobbs

Oh, yes. TWEED. Tweed is what your winter needs. I'm not the biggest fan of the model's tucked-in ecru sweater - in fact, I loathe it - but I have faith in you lot to style this up properly. May I suggest some colour? Perhaps a pretty blouse? A chunky cardi? ANYTHING BUT AN ECRU SWEATER.

THE SHOES

Burger n Fries heels, £39.50 (was £119), Irregular Choice Outlet

STAR BUY! We've discussed my love affair with Irregular Choice shoes before, right? Yeah, so these beauties aren't doing anything to make my passion fade. If you're going to have a big ol' blowsy bow on your shoes, it might as well be a ridiculously humongous one, yes? YES. And I can't not love a shoe that's named Burger n Fries. Make mine a Happy Meal.

Kandi courts in black and leopard print suede, £45 (was £70), Office

BEST OF THE REST: We're smitten with little bits of leopard print right now. These Kandi courts from the Office sale (I know! Still!) have the added bonus of looking like they'd make your point very, very clear if you were to, say, kick a mugger in the gangly-goolies. Wear responsibly, ladies - self-defence only.

Aurora 2 mary janes in red, £39 (was £90), KG by Kurt Geiger

Could these KG by Kurt Geiger mary janes be the shoes of my childhood dreams? Well, let's analyse them. Candy apple red? Check. Patent? Check? Cutesy strap? Check? Big fuck off buckle? Check? Some sort of crude artisan stitching in what looks like household string? Check. (I had very particular design tastes as a 9-year-old. Hey - if a girl wants crude artisan stitching, a girl wants crude artisan stitching.) 

But here's the thing: as a child, I was cursed with size 8 feet from BIRTH, and small-town Scotland in the 80s wasn't forgiving to big-footed girls. While I had to clomp about in men's shoes (really), dainty-footed lasses wore red shiny shoes with flashing lights in the sole.  

I am laughing in your faces now, Dainty Feet. 

(Heartfelt plea to Kurt Geiger:

Dear Mr Geiger,
Have you ever thought about putting flashing lights in the soles of your shoes?

Best wishes,

Laura Brown (age 33¼)

Listen - it worked for that giraffe bread girl. It's worth a try.)