Sluttery Sales Spy: People Tree, Joy & Zara

Hola, comrades! I turned my back on the internet for two weeks, but now I'm back and I'm literally drowning in an ocean of Big Bargains. On my gravestone it will simply say: she died of sales.

THE DRESSES

Mina floral dress, £30 (was £55), ASOS

STAR BUY! SWOON SWOON SWOON! I love everything about this Mina floral dress from ASOS! It makes me happy in my heart! Definitely the sort of thing Zooey Deschanel would wear as her going-away outfit at her (second) wedding, probably having just composed and performed a special going-away song for her new husband.

Just so we're all on the same page with this, that's a Good Thing. Laura B Hearts Zooey D 4 Evaaaaah.

Lace chiffon skater dress, £35 (was £62), Oasis

BEST OF THE REST: Calm down - I've done a nip-check and can confirm that this dress is fully-lined from top to bottom. All part of the Sluttery Sales Spy service.

Anyway. Pretty, innit? Mainly I just want the model's beautiful skin, but I'll settle for this lace and chiffon skater dress instead.

Louche Brogan checked pinafore dress, £30 (was £55), Joy

I have a thing for stripes and checks at the moment. This Brogan dress from Joy has been gently tickling my dress consciousness for a wee while, but now it's just thirty quid and it's PRODDING and POKING me with a huge flaming STICK. God, it's difficult being me.

Coral gingham dress, £45.50 (was £65), People Tree

So, here's a thing: my workmates like to tell me that certain items in my wardrobe have an air of Amish-chic about them (I actually added the suffix of 'chic' myself, but I'm SURE that's what they mean). I didn't really give this much thought until the other day when I realised that my knowledge of Amishwear doesn't run much past beards and bonnets and Kingpin. Given that I don't wear a bonnet to work (I absolutely should start, you're right), nor do I have a beard at the moment, I wondered where they were getting this curious idea from. Granted, I do enjoy ten-pin bowling. Anyway, I Googled AMISH FASHIONS and discovered that the Amish do not like buttons (I LOVE BUTTONS) or colour (I LOVE ALL THE COLOURS OF THE WORLD) or patterns (I LOVE -- etc. etc.), and I became even more perplexed.

But then I almost wet my knickers upon seeing this gingham dress from People Tree, and EUREKA! - I realised what my colleagues are on about. It all makes sense now. I'm guessing coral gingham is not really allowed, so I have dubbed this dress Rebel Amish. Fashion designers: you are welcome. There's your next big trend, right there.

THE SHOES

Antik wooden wedge, £19.99 (was £59.99), Zara

STAR BUY! Like an objet d'art, this shoe, isn't it? I could stroke that heel all day, but that might be hard if I was wearing the shoes and walking down the street. Possible, but not recommended. 

Kuney platforms, £41.99 (was £85), Aldo

BEST OF THE REST: I do like me a bit of tapestry. I would never be able to stand upright in these Aldo platforms, let alone walk in them, even though the grippy sole is making me falsely think that they're borderline sensible, practically a hiking boot, most definitely a shoe the chiropodist would approve of. Go forth and teeter.

Biba Bridgit gold platforms, £35 (was £180), Kurt Geiger

Do I want ridiculous golden platforms? Yer I do. It's like the crème de la crème of Team GB has melted down their medal haul and poured it over a shoe. Which will almost certainly, in turn, transform the wearer into She-Ra, Princess of Power. So that'll be number 4 struck off my 2013 Resolutions List straight away. Easy.

Combined heel court, £19.99 (was £49.99), Zara

I can't really wear pointy shoes because my great big soup-plate feet need no elongation. Any time I've tried, I swear my toes have turned corners a good five or ten minutes before the rest of my body. For the more dainty-footed amongst you, these suede courts from Zara (Again! They have a lovely shoe sale going on) are super. 

In other Pointy Shoe news, our pals at Upper Street have a miss-it-or-mourn-it (my threat, not theirs) half-price online sample sale at the moment. Loads of styles are discounted, but this week (until January 13), their pointed courts have a whopping 70% off. That's a lot of money, maths fans. 

THE COATS

Orla Kiely trench, £75 (was £150), People Tree

STAR BUY! Hello yellow! This Orla Kiely trench will brighten up your springtime no end, won't it? Buy it now, and before you know it you'll be prancing around in the rain, jumping in puddles and twirling your umbrella like a happy jar of mustard. Or something. 

Two-tone wrap coat, £60 (was £95), Warehouse

BEST OF THE REST: Is it a cardigan? Is it a coat? Is it a coatigan or a cart? 

Who cares?! It's £60 down from £95, and it looks sort of 21st-century off-duty Amy Johnson, particularly if she pursued a later-life career as a detective. Like a flying Rosemary and Thyme.

Hearts & Hands hackney coat, £80 (was £220), Urban Outfitters

I want almost everything that's described as tomato red, except for actual raw tomatoes, whose squelchy-poppy-seedy innards I will not tolerate near my person. In lieu of tomatoes and their ALLEGED health-giving properties, I will wear this Hearts & Hands hackney coat from Urban Outfitters - surely it's one of my five-a-day? It was the world's most expensive tomato at £220, but at its current bargainous price of £80, it's probably on a par with some of the more exotic varieties on sale in Waitrose. Yum.

Wool trench, £60 (was £130), Oasis

So, you want to wear a trench coat NOW, do you? Not content with buying the aforementioned Orla Kiely number and waiting until April to prance about in the rain, jumping in puddles, twirling your umbrella and being a happy jar of mustard? FINE. What you need is this woollen trench from Oasis, which should keep you warm all winter long. 

WISE WORDS OF THE WEEK

Gemma Correll Poms Not Bombs tee, £10 (was £28), Urban Outfitters

I assume Gemma Correll isn't condoning the use of Pomeranians in a war zone, in the same way that she isn't suggesting intravenously ingesting pugs. Obviously, this tee would take on a new meaning when worn in Australia, but the sentiment would remain. Here's to a peaceful 2013.