The Sluttery Guide To Excellent Nails

My nails are now so awesome that they have turned into a terrifying dragon

 We love nails at Sluttery HQ. I owned 62 nail polishes as a teenager. My Twitter background is the Jaws manicure I got WAH! Nails to do for me the very first time I visited and Sara has one of those amazing/terrifying nail wheels on which she has painted every single one of her (vast) polish collection for reference.

You don't need talons in order to paint them nice colours, but there is something very chic and satisfying about having nails with actual whites that extend for 2 or 3mm. My nails are usually so incredibly thin and flakey that the only time I had really nice nails, I'd either paid for UV gel ones, or been on holiday somewhere hot and rubbing in sun cream every day.

I even tried those Perfectil supplements for three months, but no joy. I've tried Norwegian hand creams, nail-specific hand creams, OPI Nail Envy - nada. I have, however, spent a ton on trying to make my nails look nice over the years, so I promise that when I say these products work - they work.

Here are three products that will give you gorgeous nails. Pick one, any one.

Whenever I need cheering up, I like to go and browse the toiletries aisle at the nearby Waitrose. Feeling in need of a particular treat, I picked up this gorgeous-smelling, rich almond and milk hand cream (£9.99) from Burt's Bees a few months ago and have barely made a dent in it.

Sweet almond oil, vitamin E and beeswax do the business on your hands. I keep it on my desk at work and rub a smudge of it into my hands and cuticles a few times a day. It has a completely wonderful smell: at once fruity, dusky, almondy and rich, which makes me feel like a really expensive handbag getting some upkeep.

I'd never heard of Balance Me before I got a sample in a goodie bag after a brilliant Red Network event on writing at the The Hospital Club (I very much recommend these, I loved it).

This is a STUNNING hand cream, so packed with lavender, geranium, patchouli and bergamot that it sends me straight to sleep. I have to keep it on my bedside table to melt in overnight or I'd never get anything done. Super moisturising hand cream comes in three sizes costing £10, £12.50 and £14.50 and I feel ridiculously soothed the minute I get it on my hands.

So, my nails have grown like billy-o just by remembering to rub in nice thick creams through the day, but if you need a quick fix, or just can't stand creams, then Sally Hansen is THE BOMB.

I've tried quite a few of the range over the years, and to my mind the best one is Nailgrowth Miracle (£9.99). Just paint it on every other day and slowly but steadily you'll end up with lovely strong nails.

And when you've got your lovely nails, what to paint them? Answer: anything you like, with whatever you like.

Just remember the three commandments of nails:

• Don't pick your polish off
• Don't pick your polish off
• DON'T PICK YOUR POLISH OFF!