Sluttery Sales Spy: H&M, Habitat & Oasis

Sales, sales, sales! Clothes, clothes, clothes! Um... Gills, gills, gills. Yes. Gills, gills, gills. 

THE DRESSES

Cut-out dress, £33 (was £65), & Other Stories

ALERT! ALERT! & Other Stories has a sale on, and it does THE BEST sales. This dress, shade "orange reddish", is pretty damn, um, pretty. Those are cut-outs you see, but they are very discreet and sophis, more like gills really. Ever met an indiscreet, unsophisticated aquatic organism? EXACTLY. Just don't try to breathe out of the cut-outs, especially if you happen to be underwater. Please wear gill dresses responsibly.

Tropical bird dress, £18 (was £45), Oasis

Long sleeves and burgundy might not be screaming SUMMER to you, but those are tropical birds, so THERE. In any case, there's this thing in your bedroom called a wardrobe, where you can stash clothes, wads of money, sweets, even illusionists and pallet entrepreneurs, if that kind of thing is your bag. So buy it now, and have a lovely new dress waiting for you when the weather is cooler (it is absolutely pissing down as I write this, so whatever). 

THE SHOES

Sunkissed heels, £30 (was £40), ASOS

It's like ASOS took the sun and made it into a shoe! Let's hope they didn't, otherwise we've only got about eight and a half minutes of sunshine left in which to wear them, before we're plunged into never-ending darkness and putting our sandals away in preparation for lows of -250°C. 

Leave It To Me flats, £24 (was £32), ASOS

Here's a thing: traffic lights break down in my presence with unusual frequency. Maybe I'm magnetic or something. Each time, the scenario plays out something like this:

1. All the cars, in every direction, come to a halt.

2. At least four minutes pass.

3. Someone at the very back beeps half-heartedly, just in case any of us is yet to notice that we're stationary.

4. A cyclist just fucks off onto the pavement, because she can.

5. Someone flashes their lights at the traffic lights in an attempt to reactivate the sensor.

6. All the cars at the front decide to move off at exactly the same moment.

7. A flurry of very British hand gestures, waving, nodding, and laughing happens. Everyone stops.

8. Everyone moves off at the same time again. Everyone stops.

9. Rapid-onset exasperation occurs. Someone shouts a swear from their rolled-down window, which helps.

10. The man at the back beeps again. He's probably French/having a stroke.

11. A pedestrian gets involved, with an overly-theatrical bowing gesture and some useless pointing.

12. Somehow we manage to move without dying, just as the traffic police arrive to sort it out.

Next time, though, I will be prepared! Next time, I'll be wearing these Leave It To Me shoes. I'll be out of that car quicker than you can say "annoying driver taking control of the situation using a Can-Can kick action". "Leave it to me", I'll shout, before guiding the traffic to safety with my feet. ASOS truly does design a shoe for every occasion. 

THE BAGS

Leather shoulder bag, £33 (was £65), & Other Stories

Here's & Other Stories again, this time doing its bit to dispel the myth that black and navy shouldn't be worn together. The proof's in this gorgeous leather shoulder bag (it's not actually inside, more sort of all over it), and the whole thing is making me feel pretty positive about all those dark winter mornings when I end up wearing an all-black ensemble with accidental navy tights. Just gonna say it's FASHION from now on.

Scallop-edged bag, £15 (was £20), ASOS

So this scallop-edged satchel is really nice yada yada yada but we need to get on to the real talking point here: this girl's amazing eyes. SO PALE. They've certainly done their job, because now I want the bag.

THE HOMEWARES

Okko alarm clock, £15 (was £30), Habitat

The Okko alarm clock from Habitat is a thing of wonder and delight, and its chirping is a wondrously delightful sound to wake up to every day, if feeling like you're in a Michael Bay remake of The Birds - where all the birds are in fact mutant transformer birds - is your idea of wondrously delightful. Clearly it's mine, as this little fellow (in white) gets me up chaque matin without fail (there was no need for the French there; I just thought perhaps Michael Bay might include a French mutant transformer bird in the film. For variety, or traffic jam beeping). If you'd like to hear what the birdsong alarm sounds like (it's actually nice!), this guy has made a video of his clock in action. I hope he remembered to unset the alarm for 15.13.

Happily Ever After cushion cover, £4 (was £6.99), H&M

Um, this cushion cover from H&M is only £4. FOUR POUNDS. At that price, it doesn't matter whether you and it live happily ever after. You can get a divorce! Take it for all its worth! Turn it into a dish cloth! Also at H&M, this kangaroo storage jar caught my eye. As did this curious critter. What is he? 

Bought any good stuff this week?