Sluttishly Magical: Hangover Tea

Twinings cheerily call this Morning Detox Tea, but I call it as I see it: this is Hangover Tea. It won't work miracles, but can get you through that morning bleariness after a boozy night out, before you're quite able to face salt and vinegar crisps and a bottle of Coke.

"Brush away your sleepy cobwebs!" chirrups Twinings. "Stop the nausea rising on the bus to work and make yourself feel halfway human", I read. "A purifying blend!" they say. "For cleaning out your filthy liver," I hear. I'm onto you, Twinings. Let's take a look at those ingredients:

Lemon: to make you feel clean and sprightly despite the fact you woke up too late for a shower and your mouth feels like something died in it.

Limeflowers: traditionally used for headaches, indigestion and hysteria. Perfect for those panicky flashbacks to singing Taylor Swift at karaoke the night before (although I'm not going to lie, that song is immense).

Milk Thistle: you've probably got a box of milk thistle tablets in a cupboard because someone once told you to take one when you come home from a night in, but failed to tell you how to remember to do this. Good for liver health, apparently.

Lemon Verbena: yeah, more lemon. Citrus is nature's bleach, making everything safe and sanitary again. Your body needs this.

Morning Detox Tea doesn't touch the emotional hangover, sadly. For that, you need Chat! magazine, an enormous bubble bath, and the luxury of lying there for an hour weeping over stories like "OUR HAUNTED HOUSE TURNED HIM GAY" and "I HID BICCIES IN MY GIANT BOOBS" (two genuine recent headlines, my friends).

Pick up a box of 20 for around £2.50 in your local supermarket. A liquid breakfast of this, followed by a mug of normal tea and a glass of Berocca, will set you up for the day.

Domestic Sluttery aren't condoning binge drinking, but it's nearly Christmas and every social event involves copious amounts of mulled beverages, and sometimes we get a bit giddy and need a little bit of help to feel ok with the world again.