Sluttery Sales Spy: Emma Bridgewater, ASOS & Sugarhill Boutique

Purses at the ready, Sluts! IT'S PAYDAY! For virtually everyone except ME! I get paid on the 8th, when no doubt you'll have already wiped out stocks of every fabulous bargain on the planet, leaving me nothing but a pair of gold shiny leggings and a sequinned tiger print hoodie to choose from. 

No, no. On you go. I'll be fine. I look good in gold. 

THE DRESSES

Esme dress, £29 (was £52), Sugarhill Boutique

This Esme dress from Sugarhill Boutique makes me want a mustard-smothered hot dog immediately. I cannot rest until I have one. And if I wear this dress while I'm eating my hot dog, it won't matter if, you know, a little bit of mustard squirts out the end of the bun. Which can happen quite a lot if you're a) me, and b) plunged into darkness in the cinema.

I have a question. Does anyone know how people manage to eat nachos in the cinema? Triple-dipping is stressful enough in daylight. I shudder at the thought of having to do it by braille.

Chiffon dress with scalloped edge, £24 (was £40), ASOS

Och, and this dress makes me want scallops. Lovely purple scallops. Lovely, purple, chiffony scallops.

Perhaps it's time to eat.

Jacquard shift dress, £30 (was £60), Topshop

This shift dress from Topshop has got Jackie Kennedy written all over it. (It doesn't actually have Jackie Kennedy written all over it. Stop peering.) I love it, and it's got SLEEVES! 

THE BAGS

Max C satchel, £25 (was £40), ASOS

Hello, hello. Here's a cutie. This Max C satchel is large enough to fit all your day-to-day junk essentials: books, make-up, sunglasses, gadgetry, Hilary Devey (SHE'S BACK! And she's in my bag again), a half-eaten croissant, that sort of stuff. It also comes in a rather fetching shade of green. 

Cut-out detail satchel, £12 (was £30), Oasis

TWELVE POUNDS! Well, it would be rude not to buy this satchel, wouldn't it? And we wouldn't want to be rude, would we? Thought not. 

Piping detail shoulder bag, £30 (was £40), Oasis

My driving instructor told me that old people drive bright red cars to warn other drivers of their advancing years and possible failing eyesight, so that they can be given a wide berth. HER OPINION, NOT MINE. Let's all carry this bright red handbag to warn other ladies of our advancing stylishness and unfailing tremendousness. DANGER DANGER.

THE KNITWEAR

Cat burglar jumper, £18 (was £38), Topshop

Now then class, hands up who remembers which of the Domestic Sluts wrote about this Topshop cat burglar jumper last October? That's correct! It was Sel! A gold star for you at the back. At the time, I got right in there with the first comment, declaring quite forcefully that I was going to buy this jumper IMMEDIATELY. Well, isn't it a good job I didn't, because look here - it's reduced to £18! *Unbearably Smug Face*

Colour block jumper, £26.50 (was £38), ASOS

Look! You can be a blue person from the front, and a grey person from the back! Sky camouflage and concrete camouflage in one jumper! Extraordinarily useful in all kinds of situations, I'm sure you'll agree. Imagine if you were prancing around on top of a skyscraper, in some sort of Bond-style shenanigans. Are you imagining? Good. Now imagine that a helicopter is flying by and it contains an angry person who would like to kill you. Got it? If you were wearing this colour block jumper, you could spin around, twisting and turning in every direction, flummoxing the angry person in the helicopter by camouflaging yourself against sky and stone. Where's she gone?! That's not her! That's just the bottom half of someone else! She's disappeared! She's magical. 

Buy the jumper, you sneaky little minx. 

Little Bow Pleat sweater, £24 (was £48), Sugarhill Boutique

Full marks to Sugarhill Boutique for naming this jumper Little Bow Pleat. I'm quite into things looking pretty from the back. I think it makes everyone behind you happy.

THE HOMEWARES

Graphic Bouquet quilt, £40 (was £100), Urban Outfitters

BED PHWOARS! A hundred quid was mighty steep for this Graphic Bouquet quilt from Urban Outfitters, gorgeous as it is. £40 is much less likely to enrage your bank manager, meaning he'll think twice about rising from his chair, getting into a helicopter, and flying past that skyscraper you insist on prancing about on, with a menacing look in his eye and a thirst for BLOOD. Best wear the special jumper in case I'm wrong, though.

Birdseye hook, £10 (was £25), Urban Outfitters

Specs on, everyone! What bright spark at Urban Outfitters thought photographing these white Birdseye hooks on a white background was a good idea? What-a mistake-a to make-a. I like these wee dudes a lot, though. Now that I can finally refocus my eyes, that is.

Seconds half-pint mugs, clockwise from top left:
Great Britain, £12.95 (was £19.95), Pat Albeck Pigeon, £12.95 (was £19.95),
Starry Skies, £11.95 (was £17.95), and Happiness is..., £11.95 (was £17.95),
all Emma Bridgewater Outlet

I thought perhaps it was time to revisit the Emma Bridgewater outlet, and it turns out I was very, very right. SO MUCH CHEAPY STUFF! I really like her half-pint mugs, and these are my favourite designs, photoshopped into a jazzy square for your viewing pleasure. They're seconds, so there will be some minor imperfections, but we're talking teeny-weeny. Perhaps a slightly wonky star here, and a bubble in the glaze there. You'll cope.

So, what will you be buying with your first pay cheque of the year? Spill the beans!