Sluttery Sales Spy: Oasis, Joy & Topshop

Last night I dreamed that I started a Sales Spy zumba class, to which I forced you lot to come dressed in discounted sportswear and prance about sweating for an hour. I scanned you all at the door and told you that my special scanner could tell whether or not your clothes had been bought in the sale - and if it wasn't a bargain, you weren't getting in. Throughout the class, I randomly shouted out prices of clothes, and the catchphrase "Pain makes pennies™".

I don't even know what zumba is, but in my dream it involved waving a tea towel around our heads, much in the same vein as Morrissey and his gladioli. 

THE DRESSES

Lace trim skater dress, £32 (was £55), Oasis

Excuse me for a moment while I shout at Sara.

SARA! Look! The dress made it into the sale!

Last month, the lovely Miss V predicted - with a note of sadness, tempered with stoicism - that this lace-trimmed bird print dress would never make it into the Oasis sale. It's not often our Sara's wrong, but happily she was this time. Here it is, and with a whopping £23 off!

Louche Juno dress, £49 (was £59), Joy

Up close, this Juno dress from Joy looks like you've been scampering around in a vat of confetti. Don't get yer knicks in a twist when you see that it's listed as £59 - the tenner discount comes off at the checkout. It's all part of this lovely promotion, you see, where you'll find lots of other snazzy bargains, like the wonderfully-named Bambi-Dog shorts. No, I don't know either, but I do know that I now want to own a pet Bambi-Dog.

THE SHOES

Marnie shoes, £12 (was £28), Topshop

Not the most practical of shoes for this time of year, I know. But whee, they're pretty. Just demand to be carried everywhere by your minions. A piggy-back is probably the best position, because then your feet will be thrust forwards and will inevitably flail around, thus drawing attention to your shoes.

Smithie heels, £24.50 (was £35), ASOS

We've already lusted after these shiny, SHINY Smithie shoes when Sian rounded up this season's key purple pieces from head to toe. They're so nice, I have been persuaded to make up with ASOS after a momentary falling-out we had yesterday (ASOS was blissfully oblivious to this tension) when I inadvertently discovered that it says it's aimed at 18 to 34-year-olds. SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR ME RIGHT NOW, ASOS. However - we're talking again, and I intend to make the most of the 355 ASOS shopping days I have left, beginning with the purchase of a pair of purple shoes.

THE JEWELLERY

Bug drop earrings, £6.25 (was £12.50), Topshop

I've been thinking recently that I need more glitzy, dangly earrings in my life. I think it's because I keep shaking my head like an impatient pony to get my overgrown fringe out of my eyes, and I feel there is a noise missing when I do that. I need a soundtrack; a jingle, a jangle, a tinkle, a swoosh. Something to make the ache in my neck and the blur in my vision worthwhile. So I might buy these bug earrings from Topshop, because they have the added bonus of BEJEWELLED CREATURES. Or, y'know, I could trim my fringe. I can do that. I learned how to do straight lines at art school.

Jewelled bib necklace, £28 (was £40), ASOS

This is a splendid necklace indeed. I think we need to see it on.

CAN YOU SEE IT? It's there, I promise. I feel like David Attenborough trying to point out a stick insect while we all sit at home and say to each other, "Ooh, can you see it? Isn't it clever? It looks just like a stick! It matches that tree completely!" while actually not being able to see it at all and just PRETENDING that we can because David says it's there. Yep. I'm like the David Attenborough of jewellery. And this necklace is a stick insect. And the blouse is the tree.   

THE BAGS

Leather colourblock bag, £22.50 (was £45), ASOS

I really love this ASOS model. I am firmly convinced she's French, and if it turns out she's from Ealing I'll be extremely disappointed. Adding to her Frenchness today is the stripy top (not our main focus here); her nonchalant - and ever-so-slightly withering - over-the-shoulder glance, as if to say, "What-do-you-mean-you-can't-find-the-metro-station-you-DAMN-STUPID-TOURIST-as-if-I-have-the-time-or-inclination-to-help-you-read-a-map-BOF-zut-alors; and her bag - compact, colourblocky, leather, minimal, chic. Petite, yet large enough for a dog-eared copy of Bonjour Tristesse and some oversized shades, possibly a half-eaten croissant and Gérard Depardieu as well. The whole thing reeks of Paris, and quite frankly it makes me want to move there immediately.*

* I did once move there immediately. Turns out the only flat I could afford to rent had the toilet IN the kitchen. Just sitting there, unshielded, IN THE KITCHEN. I went to the Loire Valley and picked strawberries for a living instead.

The Cambridge Satchel Company sky blue 11-inch satchel, £80 (was £120), Urban Outfitters

I just bought a brilliant - in every sense of the word - yellow satchel, so I have no business eyeing up another. What a filthy, cheating rascal I am. Still, look but don't touch, amirite? This sky blue satchel by The Cambridge Satchel Company is just so tempting. Och, the grass is always greener. Or sky bluer, with hints of tan.

So, who's signing up for my zumba class? I provide the tea towels free of charge.