Sluttery Sales Spy: Mango, Warehouse & Oasis

Undead models, articulate fish, cross-dressing doctors and Mother Theresa. This is not just sales shopping. This is Domestic Sluttery sales shopping.

THE JEWELLERY

Cake stand pendant, £14 (was £49), Hobbs

I almost want to eat this cake stand pendant from Hobbs, but I suspect that would only bring me a massive dentistry bill and a stomach full of broken teeth, not tiny crustless sandwiches and miniature éclairs. Mega-woe.

Kat&Bee Graha Stardust pearl wrap ring, £45 (was £65), ASOS

Would it be too much to have it written into my will that I want my skull to be wrapped in pearls after my death? Yes? Oh. I'll settle for this gorgeous Kat&Bee ring instead, then.

Strass fish necklace, £3.99 (was £14.99), Mango

I adore this fish necklace from Mango. It reminds me of one of those articulated fish necklaces that I love so much. Or an articulate fish, as I first typed. An articulate fish with a voice like Mariella Frostrup. Imagine how much fun (fin?) it would be to have that hanging around your neck.

THE DRESSES 

Floral pleated bodice dress, £43 (was £55), Warehouse

This floral dress from Warehouse is astonishingly pretty. Colour me ASTONISHED (I think ASTONISHED would definitely be a sort of Permanent Geranium Lake colour). Go and have a gander at it up close - the pattern is just beautiful, as are the pleats. Let's ignore the fact that the model is giving us a serious dose of The Evils. She may even be undead. The pretty dress is just a front to make her look like one of us. Run, Sluts, run. But buy this dress before you do.

Madrid dress, £18 (was £59), Oasis

Oh, yes. The MADRID dress. Olé! I imagine this is what Penélope Cruz wears when she goes home to visit the fam. I can just see her sauntering down the olive aisle of El Corte Inglés in it, occasionally stopping to bless a stranger's baby and cure a leper, all while whispering sweet nothings into Javier's impeccable ear.

Oh. I think I got Penélope Cruz mixed up with Mother Theresa. Easily done.

Louche Carly acorn print dress, £30 (was £55), Joy

This is a mighty oak of a dress, isn't it? The sleeves will see you right through to summer, and I love the print - you can't tell right away that they're acorns. It's like a Daily Mail magic eye pull-out from the 90s, but obviously a) way prettier, b) less sensationalist, c) hasn't come over here and stolen our jobs, and d) isn't made from paper.

THE BAGS

Liquorish strap tote bag, £35 (was £55), ASOS

This Liquorish bag from ASOS opens up like a doctor's bag, which I love. If my doctor carried this bag, I'd be very impressed. Not least because he's a man. 

Biba clutch, £50.70 (was £169), House of Fraser

Remember the burgundy velvet Biba wedges I wrote about a few weeks ago? Well, here's the clutch to match (TIP: don't wear them together, unless Sloaney middle-aged woman having a night out at the theatre with a gaggle of gal-pals - indulging in slightly too much ice cream and Baileys in the interval - is the look you're going for. In which case, feel free to team it with a Barbour and something smock-like, while perching on your shooting stick - which you smugly brought along in case there weren't any seats in the bar - and booming, "The shoes might be a little too high and a little too young, Cressida, but I just couldn't resist!" while Cressida coos like an extra on Pigeon Street.)

Quilted bowling bag, £19.99 (was £44.99), Mango

Polish off your bowling balls, ladies! We're hitting the alley with this quilted bowling bag from Mango. I'll beat you all, obviously - I had ten-pin bowling LESSONS when I was at school, you know. I am unbeatable. There's very little point in you trying. At least you'll have a lovely bag to weep into afterwards.

I am agog and a-jig to know what amazing bargains you've all been buying this week. Hit me with them.

OW. Stop it.