Sluttery Sales Spy: Collectif, ASOS & Schuh

On your marks, Spyettes... get, set, SALES SHOP! 

THE DRESSES

Regina herringbone dress, £25 (was £58.50), Collectif

I feel a little trembly looking at this Regina dress from Collectif, but that's probably because the model looks like she's going to give us a ticking off for being too loud in class. She's just disappointed in us, isn't she? I mean, I can tell she gets the hilarious joke we were laughing at, she may even be vaguely amused by it, but shouldn't we just know better than to misbehave in this way? Aren't we too old for this? The only way we can redeem ourselves is to buy a glamorous grown-up lady dress right away.

Nishe sweetheart dress, £36 (was £45), ASOS

LOVE THIS. Covered buttons will always have my heart. And, for reasons that will become clear in the fullness of time, this Nishe dress is the perfect thing to wear while inhaling the beautiful aroma of your new candle that you'll be buying at the end of this post. 

THE SHOES

Wonder Woman Converse hi-tops, £39.99 (was £55), Schuh

We've long been fans of these Wonder Woman Converse. I favour a hi-top, because in my head I'm 17 and shuffling around aimlessly. I'm actually 34, but the shuffling around aimlessly part still applies. In my head I'm also Wonder Woman, and nothing in my life suggests that this isn't complete reality.

Park Lane weave sandals, £30 (was £45), ASOS

I like these Park Lane sandals because they remind me of the time when I was little and Mama B wore strappy sandals in the garden and by the end of the day she had stripy suntanned feet that made us laugh. I've secretly been trying to recreate the look ever since, but it turns out my mum kept her Georgian suntanning genes to herself.

THE BAGS

Disaster Designs rabbit purse, £21.99 (was £26.99), Maia

Thought we'd got rabbits out of our system? Think again. Disaster Design's Heritage & Harlequin collection is big on all of Domestic Sluttery's favourite furry friends: bunnies, foxes, deer, horses, and, um, tigers. This rabbit purse is great, and there's a clutch in the same design if you're the sort of person who can fit anything but a used tissue into a clutch bag. Obviously I can't, for reasons discussed here at length before. It's a human rights issue, really.

Aubrey Pembroke tote, £78.50 (was £185), ASOS

I've been keeping my eye on this Aubrey bag for a while. It used to be £185, which is obscene, but now it's got more than a hundred quid knocked off. It's leather - you'd bloody hope so for that price - and while it's not really my bag because bright blue is not one of my top five colours (it's also literally not my bag, because I haven't bought it, stolen it, or "borrowed" it from a friend), I am a fan of the shape and that suede pocket on the front. You have my blessing to buy the bag.

THE HOMEWARES

Owl lamp, £45 (was £65), Rose & Grey

Yes to novelty lamps of all kinds. This owl lamp from Rose & Grey is my definition of minimalist, because it's white. I realise other people may not class a big fuck-off owl as minimalist, but if you had ever seen my home, you would understand. It looks like there's been a rainbow massacre in here, guys. It wasn't me, Officer Pantone, I promise you. Look - it was probably that unicorn galloping away. Yup, that one wearing a glittery balaclava. FOLLOW THAT UNICORN. He is the culprit.

To sum up: everyone needs a white owl lamp. It gives us a sense of control in a world full of chaos.

Pure Radiance Yankee Candle in Stargaze, £17.49 (was £24.99), House of Fraser

Despite still being a little bit pissed off with Yankee Candle for getting rid of my favourite scent, Mountain Lodge (working title for my autobiography: Everything I Like Gets Discontinued. See also Zoom ice lollies, Fry's Five Centres, Creamola Foam, tomato sausages, that really nice Turkish Delight pudding M&S did for two days, Pushing Daisies, Wonderfalls), I do love their candles. I also love anyone who tries to invent a smell for a pastime, concept, or event. Yankee Candle are very good at this. I mean, what does a child's wish smell like? I dread to think.

Anyway, House of Fraser has a candle sale, which means you can pick up this ginormous Pure Radiance Yankee Candle for just £17.49. I've chosen Stargaze, presumably the scent of Prof. Brian Cox, or possibly Eratosthenes. Let's hope for the former, as the latter might be slightly whiffy by now. There are plenty of others in the sale if astronomers, living or dead, are not your home fragrance of choice.

NEWSFLASH: Mountain Lodge is back for a limited 'special appearance'. I am overjoyed, so much so that going back to rewrite that paragraph in light of this wondrous news is INCONCEIVABLE.