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Friday 25 July 2014

Sluttery Sales Spy: French Connection, Boden & Urban Outfitters

Everything here has my SALE OF APPROVAL.


Embroidered shirt dress, £52.50 (was £70), ASOS

GUYS, someone stole summertime while we weren't looking, and embroidered it on to a dress. I LOVE THIS. The stitching continues all the way around the back - there's no thread-scrimping here, oh no. And there are pockets and buttons and all the other things we go wild for on a dress. The model looks like she's wearing the sky, just at the moment a breeze has blown the heads off of every flower in Alan Titchmarsh's garden. Poor Alan. They'll come again next year, pet.

Summer Bark dress, £64 (was £80), French Connection

I like that this is called Summer Bark, and even though I suspect it's a reference to trees, I'm going to imagine a small dog - probably a terrier of some kind - who changes his bark depending on the season. I think his summer bark is light and joyous, reminiscent of laughter and the tinkle of the ice cream van.

Oh, yes. Back to the dress. Well, the dress looks - in the very best way - like someone has intermittently wiped their brush on it during a heavy day of painting the shed. You can almost smell the turpentine from here, feel the satisfaction of a job well done. The petals from Alan Titchmarsh's flowers float by. In the distance, a small dog barks his tinkly bark. 

That fucking dog gets everywhere.


Floral organza skirt, £48.50 (was £65), ASOS

Matchy-matchy things - or co-ords, which I recently discovered isn't just a fancy way of saying cords - are not usually for me. But this floral organza skirt from ASOS looks so good with the matching top that at first I thought it was a dress, albeit a dress with an annoying gap in the middle. And I actually adore it. Sadly, crop tops aren't ever coming anywhere near me, but that skirt will be.

Nancy skirt, £20.70 (was £69), Boden

Boden's Nancy dress has already made an appearance in Sales Spy, long ago in the mists of March when it seemed impossible that we would ever have a chance to wear it. Now the Nancy skirt has shown up to summer's party, shouting "Look at me! I'm only £20.70!" and wearing hideous shoes. Who among us doesn't know at least one person who's notorious for doing that? She is, though, a very pretty gatecrasher. She can sit with us.


Nali studded bag, £34 (was £56), ASOS

When Nali described this bag as a wine bag, I got excited. Turns out it's not a bag filled with wine, and it doesn't have a tap on it for top-ups (unlike these "classy, camouflaged booze bags" - um). No, it's just wine-coloured, but I suppose you can haul about a bottle of plonk in it if you so wish.

Bucket bag, £6 (was £12.99), H&M

I've decided that I urgently need a watermelon-print bucket bag to carry on all my summer trips. Not only does it provide me with endless opportunities to say, "I carried a watermelon", but I actually could carry a watermelon in it, and that would be so meta that my head might EXPLODE, like a watermelon, and then I'd surely become the subject of a Daily Mail article investigating the dangers of watermelons.


Armrest chair, £80 (was £150), Urban Outfitters

All my life, I've wanted a plastic moulded chair that matches Krist Novoselic's purple trousers of 1992. Now my dream has come true, and I find myself having to re-evaluate everything. What's left for me now? I've reached the pinnacle of purpleness. At least I can have a nice sit down while I rewrite my life goals.

Broadway arrow lamp, £79 (was £89; typically £330 on the high street),

WANT. You can use this Broadway arrow lamp on the table or the wall - I'd probably use it as a table lamp, and move it around to highlight all the best bits of my house. Or rather, to distract from the piles of magazines and that box of mince pies from last Christmas I just found on the bookcase (it was UNOPENED, everyone. No need to call environmental health just yet).

What have you been buying this week?

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