Sluttery Travels: Spitbank Fort, Portsmouth

My dreams are made of hotels like Spitbank Fort. I can't even claim to have found this myself. This is all Nick's work (he quickly followed that up with demands of a press trip for the entire team). I don't say this lightly, because Sluttery Travels is full of magical places to stay, but Spitbank might be the most impressive hotel we've ever featured.

And I want to move in immediately.

That's the birdseye view. Look at it! The entire place is yours to play on (not the hot tub). But first, a little background, before I start plotting to turn it into a Batcave.

It was a fully functioning see fortress, but never actually used in defence. It did however take a little bit of a battering from air attacks in the second world war. The Ministry of Defence only sold Spitbank in 1982 and since then it's been privately owned, renovated and transformed into a luxury hotel. Let's have a look at that renovation.

There are nine bedrooms and three restaurant areas and bars in Spitbank. You have your own personal chef so it's totally a restaurant. I want to sink into one of those chairs with a book and a brandy and never, ever leave.

You have to get the Spitbank's own boat to and from the fortress, there's no chance of unexpected guests turning up to have a little nose about (which is a shame, because that's exactly what I'd like to do).

You know what? The decor is basically my dream home.

Look! A telescope for star-spotting! You can book Spitbank all year 'round (even over Christmas and New Year) but actually I think it would be so special in the cooler months with rough seas and howling winds. And ghost stories! You could tell a brilliant ghost story here. Scooby and Shaggy would have had a field day.

Oh, and just because this swish bathroom wasn't enough, there are spa facilities. You're totally spoiled here, just like you would be in a super swanky hotel. The only difference is that this is your own private island and you get to spend the entire time playing Famous Five.

All through reading about Spitbank, I was doing the maths and tallying up how much it might cost to stay here. It's by no means cheap. One night starts at £6240 (no, wait! don't go!) When you realise that's based on 16 people staying here and it includes bubbly, breakfast and dinner cooked by your personal chef, that works out less than £350 per person. For the best party in the entire world.

Spitbank Fort, you'd better hold onto your hats. The Domestic Sluts are coming for you.