Sluttery Sales Spy: Donna Wilson, Oasis & Joy

Rainbows, hang your heads in shame. This week's Sales Spy is so colourful, you might as well retire now. You can have the pot of gold as severance pay.

THE JEWELLERY

N2 by Les Nereides Snake & Apple charm necklace, £32 (was £50), ASOS

Dude - I can totally see why that little minx Eve took a bite of that blimmin' apple if this is what the Tempting Snakes looked like. I mean, shiny bits ahoy! She must have been powerless. Never mind - it all worked out okay in the end. Sort of. Be careful while wearing this Les Nereides snake and apple necklace, though, lest you too are banished from your garden. 

Lil' Bill French Bulldog ring, £21 (was £30), Me & Zena

Lil' Bill's a lil' bit 'one eye's gone for the messages and the other one's coming back with the change' (see translation below), isn't he? Needless to say, I adore him AND his snazzy red neckerchief. 

Translation:

• Messages: shopping.
• One eye's gone for the messages and the other one's coming back with the change: perhaps more commonly, but less entertainingly, known as Strabismus.
• Strabismus: a squint.

CLASS DISMISSED.

And Mary Cute Mouse necklace, £8 (was £15), ASOS

A cute mouse indeed. EYELASHES! And a wee schnoz that looks like it's been borrowed from a star-nosed mole - possibly my favourite of all the animals. Sometimes, when my mind is wandering and I am inside a health and safety-regulated establishment, I stare up at the fire sprinklers in the ceiling and imagine they're little star-nosed moles, snuffling around for worms or whatever. I suggest you do it some time. Not the snuffling around for worms part.

THE BAGS

Pieces Pardis shoulder bag in (clockwise from top left) Fresh Pink, Bright Yellow, Sailor Blue, and Black, £25 each (was £32 each), ASOS 

Uh, ASOS, don't make me choose! I want them all! I'm torn. Yellow is the obvious choice for me. But then, BUT THEN - that sailor blue is pretty foxy, too. And I didn't know I needed a pink bag until now.

Clearly Pieces has employed my old mucker Derren Brown as Chief Bag Namer, too. You see, it's all rather clever. Pardis makes you think of Paradis. Now, we're all thinking about the vision of loveliness that is Vanessa Paradis, aren't we? (Some of us might inadvertently be thinking about the Fall of Man and the expulsion of Adam from Paradise, and that's totally my fault, and I apologise. Focus on Vanessa.) AND NOW, we're all thinking about our own personal heartache at the break up of Johnny and Vanessa. Then we dwell, don't we, on other celebrity splits that have made us question the actual existence of love: Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, Selena and Justin, Katie and Peter...

And then, to soothe our pain, we must buy the bag.

Very clever, Derren. You scoundrel.

Crowded Teeth Bunny Town shopper, £36 (was £48), Little Moose

Where is this Bunny Town, and when can I move there? Which house would you choose? I'd definitely want a tall one. Nothing on the left-hand side because that's way too close to the sun and I'd die. None of the turquoise ones, lovely as they are, because two of them are beside flags (noisy; almost as bad as wind chimes) and the other one is far too neighbourly. So that leaves the right-hand orange tower, which gives me a splendid view of the Smiling Mountains. 

Did I think too hard about which house I'd buy in a fictitious town located on a bunny's head? 

Oh. Just be grateful I haven't shown you the back of the bag (the perfect house is there! Right beside a mountain! It's like a rabbity Phil Spencer dream come true!).

Louche Aretta bowling bag, £25 (was £39), Joy

Joy has some delightful bags at the moment, and this beautiful Aretta bowling bag has turned up in the sale. Oh, the colours! A little bit autumnal, I'll admit, but since the seasons are all 'Yeah, whatevs' about showing up anyway, let's just run with it. Teal! Navy! Burgundy! Some sort of mustardy-tan! Gorgeousness.

THE DRESSES

NW3 Mr Duck dress, £50 (was £169), Hobbs

The observant among you will recognise Mr Duck from our pre-Christmas red dress round-up. Back then, he was teasing us with his half-pricedness, but look! Patience really is a virtue (Meaningful look at YOU, Eve. And you, Adam) because it's now just £50. That, maths fans, is a whopping £119 off. Let's have a look at what £119 off looks like up close:

Gosh. They're all of a flap, aren't they? It's like Hilda Ogden's living room during an earthquake. 

Compass print tunic dress, £15 (was £48), Oasis

Oasis, as we will see again in a mere moment (unless you are a very slow reader) has some outrageously good prints going on at the moment. This compass print tunic dress is COMPLETELY the wrong colour for my skintone, but it will look mega-fabulous on someone. The added bonus here is that you'll always be facing due north, wherever you are - you just need to look at the correct compass. PRO TIP: I wouldn't rely on them to actually get you anywhere.

Let's examine them further:

This is the very definition of directional fashion.

Bicycle print dress, £20 (was £40), Oasis

I've saved my favourite dress 'til last. This bicycle print dress from Oasis (I told you they were churning out perfect patterns!) makes me want to buy a bike IMMEDIATELY. It's half price, so I can put the £20 I save into my Official Bicycle Fund. Look and swoon:

WHEE! (That's the sound of me going downhill on my bike, and taking my hands off the handlebars and my feet off the pedals.)

HGGGMMPPPHAHH! That's the sound of me falling off.

THE SCARVES

Pencil shavings print scarf, £7 (was £20), Oasis

The pencil sharpening is a thing of beauty, isn't it? It's got everything going on: colour, wood, frills, geometry, spontaneity. Granted, it's annoying when they spew bits of lead all over you, but at least if you're wearing this pencil shavings scarf from Oasis, the black smudges won't show up. Also, hello - £7!

Mountain range print scarf, £15 (was £22), Warehouse

This is a perfect Spring Scarf. A Spring Scarf should have the following attributes:

• It must be made from lightweight fabric, but there must be enough of that fabric to keep you warm.
• It should feature some sort of aspirational outdoorsy print - landscapes, birds, flowers.
• It has to be large enough to use as an impromptu picnic blanket.
• It must be machine washable, in case you need to use it to swaddle a lamb/rescue chicks/protect your fingers from the spines and fleas of a disoriented hedgehog.

Donna Wilson House scarf in red, £27.50 (was £50), Soma Gallery

And now, because Spring Scarf Weather now looks set to be something we'll only experience in the pages of meteorological history books, here's something a little warmer. This Donna Wilson house scarf will see you right through to winter (May).

So you lot: found any amazing bargains this week? Deets please.