Sluttery Sales Spy: French Connection, Mango & Topshop

There have been so many distractions this week: a lady had a baby, two Daddy Long Legs had sex in my kitchen for TWENTY MINUTES, and there were some thunderstorms. Despite all this, I've somehow managed to round up the best of this week's sales for you lovely lot. I know, I know - I'm borderline Wonder Woman, right? 

THE DRESSES

Nishe embroidered dress, £16.50 (was £55), ASOS

Ah, this embroidered dress by Nishe is so darn CUTE. That row of pink buttons? They're shaped liked flowers! If that hasn't convinced you to buy the dress, I don't know what will. I can't thaw hearts of ice, y'know.

Birdcage dress, £38 (was £55), Sugarhill Boutique

I don't know about you, but now that I've seen this beautiful birdcage dress from Sugarhill Boutique, I am singing Birdhouse In Your Soul (aka The Best Song Ever) with the alternative - and I think you'll agree, superior - lyric of 'build a little birdcage on your dress'. 

YOU'RE WELCOME.

THE JEWELLERY

N2 by Les Nereides Little Red Riding Hood earrings, £25 (was £45), ASOS

If you're prone to disobeying your mother, wandering off-path in forests, talking to strange wolves, and generally being a little bit irresponsible about personal safety, these Little Red Riding Hood earrings will act as a reminder of the consequences of such silly behaviour. 

Happily though - because to err is human - if you do accidentally find yourself being eaten by a wolf, these earrings will also reassure you that it is possible to survive, completely unscathed, and that your granny will be fine, too. Phew. A fairytale ending, I suppose.

Isiya ice cream necklace, £25 (was £49), Ted Baker

Now then - if you're looking for a lasting reminder of the Hottest Summer Since 2006™ - and who wouldn't be seeking to commemorate this momentous historical event, really? - look no further than this ice cream cone necklace from Ted Baker. A true necklace de nos jours, it conjures up all the feelings I would be experiencing if every shop in my hometown hadn't sold out of fans, if I hadn't already exhausted supplies of my homemade beer ice cream, and if I hadn't lost my favourite pair of sunglasses AND my refreshing facial mist. 

As it stands, I'm actually feeling rather homicidal, and there ain't no necklace for that. 

THE SKIRTS

Two-tone skirt, £29.99 (was £59.99), Mango

If you're the sort of girl, like me, whose legs spend the summer the colour of milk jelly that's had a run in with a bottle of blue food colouring, maxi skirts are a godsend. They keep you cool, they swish around your pale blue ankles, and they cover a multitude of sins. For this girl, those sins include four of the most grotesque horse fly bites the world has ever witnessed, 347 midgie bites, and a bruise the size of a saucer. 

So, taking other people's sensitive dispositions into account, this two-tone maxi skirt from Mango is exactly what I need to allow me to actually be seen in public this month. 

Primrose Stripe skirt, £25 (was £62), French Connection

The colourway of this Primrose Stripe skirt from French Connection is described as Peach Alba/Trouble Yellow. I always love their colours. What does any of it even mean? Trouble Yellow sounds like my kind of hue, though. Buy this skirt and go and cause some mayhem.

THE BAGS

Tabitha bag, £35 (was £70), Ollie & Nic

Slutettes, meet Tabitha. Tabitha, meet the Slutettes. I think everyone is going to get along just fabulously. Isn't Tabitha pretty, guys? She thinks you're really pretty too. Actually, she said she'd really like to get to know you better. Fast work, readers. I'm impressed.

Zatchels flamingo satchel, £90 (was £120), Oliver Bonas

When Sel wrote about this flamingo satchel by Zatchels - exclusive to Oliver Bonas - earlier this year, I admit I did fleetingly consider eloping to Gretna Green and trying to marry a handbag. But it was £120, quel woe. While it's still not cheap at £90, it is less expensive - so I might try living in sin with it for a wee while. It can be my bidey-in.*

* (Scottish) Live-in lover.

THE SANDALS

Facade sandals, £20 (was £40), ASOS

Normally I steer clear of sandal embellishment, for fear of looking too Brits Abroad. But I'm pretty taken with these Facade sandals from ASOS - the pale pink and black discs add a little interest to an otherwise plain sandal. Also, they're not going to fall off your feet any time soon, which is good, because I'm quite keen on being able to walk without looking like an absolute doofus. Without looking like more of an absolute doofus, I mean.

Nano T-bar clogs, £25 (was £45), Topshop

I love me a pair of clogs, and I love me some shiny red. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?! Go on, guess! Oh, all right, I'll help you out:

I love me these shiny red clogs from Topshop! 

You feel a bit silly now for not guessing, I know. The clues were there, weren't they? Nevermind. 

QUESTION TIME:

1. Will you be buying any of this gorgeous stuff? 

2. Have you ever seen Daddy Long Legs having sexy times? I felt bad for staring. 

3. What's the colloquial term for a live-in lover where you come from?