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Wednesday 30 June 2010

Guest Post: My Chemical Toilet's French Toast

In today's guest post, Stuart Waterman from the wonderful My Chemical Toilet teaches us how to make French toast:

French toast is brilliant because while you're allowed to eat it as "brunch", you are by law required to cover it in syrup (preferably of the maple variety). It's also splendidly easy to create, which had absolutely no bearing on me choosing to do it for my guest post.

I associate it with coming home from playing football on a Saturday morning as a young 'un - usually having lost twelve nil - and shoving slices of gooey excellence down my neckhole while swapping Panini stickers with my brother. Ah, the bread-mouthed arguments we used to have...

I made this batch with a brown medium-sliced loaf, but since it's a ridiculously unhealthy thing to eat you might as well push the boat out and use thick white slabs. YOU'RE WURF IT.

You'll need:
(Makes enough for two, or one if you're greedy)

6 slices of bread, halved - stale-ish (but not mouldy) if possible
4 eggs
200 ml milk
A pinch or two of cinnamon
Some manner of sweet sticky confection for topping if desired

1. First, we say a prayer of thanks to the souls of the chicklets who "didn't make it", thereby allowing us to enjoy bountiful eggy goodness. Sometimes I also pray that a bruised little birdy doesn't flutter out when I crack my eggs.

2. Prayers completed, crack your eggs and place them in a bowl with the milk.

3. Whisk the eggs and milk. Being a man, the mere ownership of a whisk would be enough to put my sexuality in doubt. Therefore I use a hammer. Should you choose to follow this method, allow an extra hour or so for egg hammering and subsequent kitchen clean-up. (You can also use a fork.)

4. Now, as Jerry Seinfeld said: "Anytime anyone says, 'Oh, this is so good. What's in it?' The answer invariably comes back, 'Cinnamon'." Pay heed to his words and chuck a bit of cinnamon into your eggy milky bowl of yumfun. You won't regret it.

5. Now, heat some oil in a frying pan until it does that thing where it starts spitting on your arms and you rush to turn it down a bit. Perfect.

6. Take a half-slice of bread and dunk it into your eggmilk so it is well soaked but not falling apart. It is at this point you'll realise why stale-ish bread is best for eggy bread.

7. Place the bread in the frying pan for a couple of minutes, then turn it over. Do this until each side is what I believe McCain call "golden brown".

I'd made a few slices by this point. I don't use rank, filthy frying pans (much).

8. When a piece of bread is done, place it on a piece of kitchen roll/greaseproof paper on a plate, and then put it under the oven at a low heat to keep it warm.

9. Do steps 6 - 8 over and over and over and over again until you have a stack of bready eggy heaven and you just can't wait anymore (or until your mixture is finished).

10. The ideal topping, in my opinion, is maple syrup. But for some reason maple syrup costs about twenteen pounds a bottle these days, so golden syrup, or caster sugar, or some fruit or summink may suffice as a topping.

11. Scoff it. My beverage of choice to accompany this indulgence is (wanker alert!) "a really good cup of coffee."

12. Feel a bit sick (optional).

For further hilarity, check out My Chemical Toilet here, or follow Stuart on Twitter.


  1. I heart French Toast and you're right - it needs to be made with the filthiest, stodgiest white bread you can find.

    Also, vanilla essence works wonders :-)

  2. This chap is very funny!!!

  3. I've never heard of syrup before on French toast or eggy bread! Perhaps this is a Scottish/ English divide thing like sugar on your porridge? Whereas every Scot knows Salt is the only way forward. Salt on porridge, salt on French toast, salt on deep fried mars bars...

  4. I can recommend maple flavoured golden syrup, not as pricey as the proper stuff (and obviously not quite as good), but still pretty damn tasty.

  5. Salt on eggy bread?!

    Anonymous, I think I love you!

  6. It sounds really strange but sweet chilli sauce is great on French Toast. No idea why, by rights it really shouldn't work, but it does.

  7. From now on, I am only ever whisking my eggs with a hammer.

  8. I've heard of salt being used, but basically if there's ever a choice between salt and sugar I insist on the latter. Ever tried sugared chips? LUSH.

  9. "eggy milky bowl of yumfun" :-)

    Favourite phrase EVAH. We should have boys come and play more often.

  10. "twenteen pounds" *dies*


  11. Ooops typo. Try again.

    Re: salt/syrup divide - is it wrong that I add both? I thought everyone did... *twiddles thumbs, awaits heart attack*

  12. Where's the bacon garnish? Essential with french toast and maple syrup.

  13. It has to be ketchup, and I have never added milk to the eggs The kidds love them and of course I do too !


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